Stop The Muffin-Top Bra

OH DEAR LORD!

I don’t talk much about fashion though I have to say I definitely have some strong opinions on it. The other night I was watching late late night TV.. couldn’t sleep.. and came across a waste of time called “The Wendy Williams Show” which I watched mostly because I was doing other things and not caring a whole lot about what was on.

Then she started talking about fashion and had a fashion expert on the show. The fashion expert had some good tips, so I paid attention.

Then Wendy and a guest (not the fashionista) began to talk about bra selection. They both said that they thought (or used to think) that having that little bubble of breast hanging over the top of the bra was sexy. They both had been told by fashion experts to buy larger (better fitting) bras.

Dear Women of the World.. (men if you disagree please comment and tell me why)

Wearing your boobs out in public in a bra that is too small causing your boobs to bubble over the top or outside of the bra.. IS DISGUSTING!

Its not sexy. It makes you look like you’re fashion stupid or poor (can’t afford an appropriately sized bra) or just a trashy woman without any taste.

Please please please.. go into your nearest department store or lingerie shop with knowledgeable staff and get yourself measured for an appropriate size.

Unlike our shoes.. our boobs size can change at the drop of a hat. Weight gain. Weight loss. Even time of the month (hormonal) can cause size changes.. which in some women can be very significant. So you may need a couple choices of fits.

For most of us women, our boobs are one of our greatest selling features when dating. When we want to look good, a good bra can sometimes make or break an outfit. (Not to mention what a good bra can do for the .. umm.. gym. – As my childhood friend said about my sister as she ran to first base in softball “Holy Cow! She could knock herself out with those.”)

Honestly women.. I cannot stress this enough.. when it comes to fashion.. to looking good.. to making an impression.. a good fitting bra is essential.

A muffin-top bra is never acceptable. So stop it… stop it now!

Indulging My Inner Sadist

There is one day a month where I am quite clearly not normal. On this lovely day, I have a huge undercurrent of angry. I might be able to smile and put on a good show, but more than likely if you hit any of my buttons, I will attempt to take your head off and put it in my pocket as a souvenir.

Every girl has this day.. some have more than one.. some have a week.. some have just a couple hours.. but every girl has this day.

Where the pain only subsides with doses of medication. The hormones run free like the niagra falls. And men suddenly lose their humanity and become beings to enslave and torture.

Or that could just be me.

I have one day a month where I get mentally violent. If I had no will-power, no conscience, no ethics, no religious belief, no rationality, and no fear of being locked away… this one day a month, people would die, people would be tortured and maimed.. it would be carnage.. carnage everywhere!

Ok maybe not everywhere.. I’m generally in enough pain that moving outside of my bedroom for the first few hours takes an act of God. So probably would just be carnage in the bedroom.

Fortunately for us all, I do have powerful doses of empathy, rationality, and conscience. As such I keep murderous and sadistic tendancies to my imagination.

Thus I am mentally violent. This sometimes comes out in my writing as violent wording and sometimes plain threats of violence as well. I also tend to love to say “Bastard” and “Asshole” about everything and anything that may go wrong.

If you’re a man in a relationship with me, trust me.. that one day a month is spent picturing myself sadistically torturing your privates so you get to feel like I do once a month. I probably won’t tell you that, because it’ll scare the crap out of you and make you want to alert the FBI to watch my place for furture murders.

While I say a day.. its generally just 6 hours.

During these 6 hours, I will be bitchy. I will push people away. I will hermit. If you’re sweet, you’ll want to help me by bringing me things or getting me some pills.. and while I’ll secretly love it, I will also grumble and quite likely to tell you to F off.

This is for your own safety. Remember, I am likely picturing myself kicking you in the balls despite the fact that I may love you or care for you deeply. It is because of that that I will want you far far away from me.. so I don’t actually kick you in the balls.

(Because when all this is over, I’ll still want you to come around… and I’ll be happy that I didn’t maim you.)

I will also give you a heads up warning.. “Hey honey, its started.” You will learn these words are a signal to make yourself scarce. At first, you’ll try..but eventually you’ll just start running. I won’t blame you for that. However, you will share half the blame for anything that occurs if you stay around.

You were warned after all.

So if you want to avoid being maimed and tortured, run away and then send flowers from wherever you are. I’ll text you when its safe to return.. I mean if I want you to come back. 😉

Where Did I Put My Time Machine?

I really don’t think I fit in. I must have been born at the wrong time, or have some kind of brain tumor.

All the girls that I meet that are my age. Scare the crap out of me.

If I go about 5 yrs older, I seem to fare better.. but going about 7 yrs younger is about right.. or the closest I’ve seen.

The girls I meet that are my age are either married and pretty cool. Though their tastes in music, activities, and what they find attractive in men is often completely different from me.

The single gals my age that I’m meeting though.. are complete nightmares. Ok, one or two exceptions, but most of then scare the crap out of me.

I obviously missed the sex-attraction of the Bon Jovi and Guns-n-Roses craze. Tall skinny assed white boys with long scraggly hair is so much the opposite of anything I find attractive, yet most of the girls I’m meeting my age still find this look hot. (To me, Bon Jovi didn’t get hot until he cut his hair.. and then I reacted with “OMG he really is a man.”)

I suppose I should be happy that their tastes lie outside of my interest range, but it makes it hard to find things in common. As I’ve mentioned previously, I can’t do hair band music on a regular basis, nor can I do long periods of “classic 70’s rock”… both after a while (much shorter time span on the 70’s rock btw) make me wish I was on something to endure it. And since I don’t do drugs.. its not that fun.

But I keep trying. I keep thinking that there has to be at least one other woman my age who likes the stuff I like and isn’t way damn crazy.

This really shouldn’t be a shock to me. Since I grew up in a small town with anti-social parents, and went to a church regularly which no one in town went to… I was pretty isolated. Other than the close neighbors (one boy my age), every kid I knew or hung out with outside of school was about 4 years older than me or 4 years younger than me (my church had no one within 4 years of my age either direction). I never really did connect much with the kids in my class.

So maybe its just habit of always being thrown in with an older crowd or a much younger crowd? Maybe its just been too many years of being independent and doing my own thing?

I suppose while others were watching men grow their hair out and jamming to their hair band music.. I was watching Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers black and whites on PBS. Or specials with Sammy Davis Jr, Sinatra, and their like.

You put a well groomed, clean shaven, smart short cut haired man into a suit or tux, and you’ve caught my eye. If he can also dance like Astaire or Gene Kelly, I’m swooning. If he can also croon a good tune, I’m completely smitten and will stalk him for the rest of his life.

Which is probably why I have a pretty good crush on Matthew Morrison (Glee). (He’s probably gay though.. if he’s not, there’s probably a line acround the corner of women trying to catch him and I’m a little too lazy for that. I’ll see if I can’t find someone like him who is “undiscovered’ instead.)

Speaking of “Undiscovered”.. one of my favorite albums.. Undiscovered by James Morrison. Luv luv luv. (see… no ADD here at all!)

But back to the point.. Finding women my age who like this kind of music.. is hard. Sadly its just as difficult to find men my age that have similar tastes.. Or maybe its just my luck I’m not finding them?

Or I might just be a transplant from another era… lost in this time..

Covering Some Urban (Dating) Legends

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… or as a tshirt I saw the other day “Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder”

Either way, beauty is subjective. So is attraction. So is everything else that comes along with dating.

Who is fat vs thin?

Who is smart vs stupid?

Who is funny?

Who knows how to party?

All of these are subjective, especially when it comes to dating.

Women want a nicely sculpted man.

If you ask nearly any woman, a man with chiseled features, an inshape body, 6 pack of abs… is pretty darn sexy.

However, if you look at the guys that women build relationships with.. most of those aren’t the guys that spend all their time at the gym.  Actually, some of them probably don’t even see a gym on their way to get beer.

Because as superficial as we women can be.. when it comes to picking a mate.. we’re more about the inside than we are about the outside.

That doesn’t mean that a well sculpted male body won’t turn our heads.. it just doesn’t activate our hearts.

Just as being funny doesn’t mean we’ll want to be around you more than once, or that you can programme our computer means we’ll want you to stick around. Even the life of the party has its flaws that will get us to boot you out.

If you can manage to have a well defined (not super human) body, and still be well-rounded, mentally stable, fun, intelligent, patient, and understanding.. You’ll be the catch of the day.  But in the real world, no one body type is going to catch every woman.

For each person there is a different criteria, and different priorities.  There are too many variables.

Women Want A Nice Guy

Uh.. define nice.  I tackled this a few months ago, as I don’t really believe in the “nice guy”.  Its honestly one of the things that guys describe themselves as and I tune out.  I’ve gotten much more hurt (or just found them to be insane) by a self-proclaimed “nice guy” than I have by anyone else.

Most guys who claim to be nice.. in essence are ball-less bastards who make dating more confusing, more deceptive, and less “stable” than their brazenly evil counterparts.

Women want a man who is nice to them. This means he doesn’t keep things from her. He doesn’t just let her run all over him. He is an entity of himself where she fits well with him. He is loyal, trusthworthy, honest, loving, and someone she can lean on… and honestly someone she can fight with without fear of bodily harm, and some hope of being heard.

Women Crave Stability

I’d say yes, yes, yes  we do.  However, we don’t like to be bored to death.  While dating the proverbial accountant with decent $$ sounds promising, and there is a time in every woman’s life where they consider snagging some boring rich bastard just for the security and stability..  There always comes a point where too much is enough.

We like waking up and knowing who is beside us. We like knowing that that person will choose to be with us day after day after day. We like having a life where we’re not constantly wondering what terror tomorrow will bring.

However, we also like to grow, learn, experience.  So we like trying new things, or going new places, or throwing caution to the wind now and then.  We like a little bit of a challenge to keep us moving forward.

But we also only really feel confident to throw caution to the wind once we have a minimal level of stability under us. For every person this is different.  Some people feel great throwing caution to the wind with just a little bit… others need much much more.

More to the story..

And with every bit of evidence of proving or disproving Urban Dating Legends.. theres also more things to consider that can change anyone from a “YES” to a “Oh God No”..

Unmarried vs Divorced (Past History)

Republican vs Democrat (Politics)

Kids vs No Kids (Thoughts on Children)

Parenting Styles (Methods of Raising Children)

Vegan vs Meat Eater (Food)

Animal Lovers vs I hate your pets (Pets)

Age

Race

Cultural Conflicts

The list goes on.  So even if you do everything RIGHT… that particular relationship can be all sorts of WRONG for you. They may just realize this first, and may make it look like.. an Urban Legend.. when in reality they just can’t handle watching you eat peas.