Mourning The Loss Of Possibility

Funny enough, after having a conversation yesterday where I mention that most dating bloggers are f’n crazy. I then proceed along my day only proving that statement true for myself.

1. I call some strange dude that I’ve never met. I know. I know.

2. I head out to get groceries and stalk the pool on the way to and from my car looking for Mr. Hot German.

3. I break down in tears over someone I’m not dating, whom I’ve never met, and proceed to want to get obliterated with alcohol because of it.

1 & 2 are normal crazy for me. 3… well I’m gunna blame hormones, but really its more involved than that.. which honestly does make me crazy.

See, I have loved this guy for a long time. We’ve slowly been getting to know each other. When we first met, he wanted nothing to do with a relationship and I did.

He’s honestly the only person since my divorce that I haven’t “broken out into hives” at the thought of getting into a relationship. Partly because we seem to understand each other, and partly I suppose because we’re miles apart and it seems more like a fantasy than real reality.

We’ve talked while we dated other people. He’s asked my advice several times when courting a new girl, but its never been anything serious.

Then last night, he asked my advice on proposing to her. This girl he’s been dating for a little while.

See when someone I care for, asks me for advice, I auto-pilot to give them the best advice I know, without any reguard for myself. It is how I am. I could be selfish and help him destroy his relationship, but I couldn’t face myself in the mirror let alone face him. Because honestly, I sincerely just want him to be happy, even more than the desire to be the one that makes him happy.

I’d been as clear as I could be about my feelings without actually sending him naked pictures labeled “Do Me” or sending him some silly love note. I’m also not keen, since my ex, to be the one making the overtures. I really want a guy who wants me enough, not to let me go.

It doesn’t much matter anyway. He’s head over heels. A goner. I’m sure I can hope that she’ll say no, but I know she won’t. He’s that great of a catch.

So last night, I drank up while crying into my wine. Maybe I’ll find one of my own, someday.


The Hottest Guy Comes With Wheels

So the other night, I go to this networking meeting. Pierce was supposed to be there, but thats not entirely why I went. I do have my own life outside of the urge to stalk him.

Plus the fact that he didn’t reply to my DM the other day.. he’s a little bit in the doghouse. Honestly, I’d completely write him off if he wasn’t so damn attentive last I saw him… and well if he wasn’t so damn cute.

So anyway, I go. Pierce is not there. But I honestly only notice his abscense for about the first 5 minutes.

I enter and behind me in the entrance line is my old director and her beau. This is a networking thing for the geeky. I was a little shocked that she was there and that she’d heard about it. Weird.

Anyway, we get closer to the front of the line… there’s a couple in front of me.. when a loud voice from the table says “Hey Maruska! I got ya, just fill out a nametag.”

It’s my favorite hot happily-married man. So I grin at him.

“Whaaa? you know who I am?” I say jokingly while I fill out my nametag.

Well a few minutes later after checking out who all is there (aka not Pierce), my old director finds me.

“Hey, how’d you do that?”

I look at her like she’s grown a third eye as I try to jog my memory about what I might have just done.


“At the entrance, how’d you do that?” She’s looking at me as if I’m the social guru of the year.

“Oh, yeah.. I know him. No biggie. I actually know quite a few of the people here. I’m kinda geek.” I admit as I am uncomfortable with her whole “omg you’ve got the hookup” attitude… though I was a little flattered by it. She’s the Who’s Who of Independant Theatre in Austin, so it was kinda funny getting on her “respect” list for networking.

“Oh wow, I didn’t know. I just heard about these things.” She says while looking around.

I’m looking around too, but mostly for someone to motion to me and save me from what is bound to me more uncomfortable talking.

I mention to her that I need to go say “Hi” to a few people and wish her a fun evening. Then I fled.

Of course, Pierce was a no-show the entire event. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t flirting around.

Actually, I wasn’t so much flirting around as I was being flirted with. Made my head spin a little. See my little business venture is getting around I think.. or else it’s given me some kind of pheromones to attract men.

There was one gentleman I’ve met like once before. Maybe twice, but pretty sure just once. I honestly don’t know his name. He’s hot. He’s sweet. But not normally what I go for.. so not really on my radar.

But evidently I am on his. Within minutes of him seeing me, he came over and said hello. He then entrapped me into a conversation (it wasn’t torturous, pleasant really, but he obviously was not letting me just flit on by). When he was interupted by a friend of his, I turned away to see who else was interesting to talk to..

Thats when I met the hottest guy.

Seriously when I tell you this guy is hot.. I mean hot… but probably not in the way most of you are thinking.

He was well kept. Great hair. Very hot face. Hot upper body. Looked like a relaxed GQ kinda guy. But what made him hot was his communication skills. The guy could talk to you and make you feel like the only woman in the room. He also listened like every word you said was gold. Two sentences in and I already wanted to nasty things to him. Sizzling.

Weirder still.. he’s in a wheelchair. Something that normally I’d see, and check off my list of viable. But honestly, it wasn’t really noticable. In a crowd of 50 people all standing, where his face had to be butt-high at best, I didn’t really notice his chair. I simply saw a hot man. That’s how smoking hot this guy is.

There are things more important than superficiality.

By the way, I wasn’t the only girl swooning over this guy. He and I got interupted, and I left to find out if my other friends had shown up. Sure enough they had, so I did some chatting. In between conversations though, I’d go and see if hot guy was available for chatting.

He never was. Every time I went to see if he was free, he was fully surrounded by hot women. Seriously surrounded.

*le sigh*

I finished the evening having made a couple new friends, and with a few more hours of flirting under my belt.

… And with a little sadness that I didn’t get to spend more time with the hot man.

Wishfully Wrong

I may have been wrong.


It’s really hard to say because I am so very often right (really I’m not full of myself or anything), so this is completely new to me… its really hard to say.

But ..

He thought of me today.

It wasn’t one of those “Hey sweety, I was thinking of you” sort of messages. But he saw something that reminded him of a conversation we had, and sent me a link to update me on it. Aka “Saw this, thought you’d find it interesting [link to article about what we’d talked about]”

Guys.. if you really want to win a girl.. and have a relationship.. shit like that will get you everywhere.

Remembering random things that she’s said from previous conversations.. for example this particular thing was from a conversation that happened about a week ago… and giving her more information on that topic or asking her input on a link about that subject..

If she likes you at all.. she’s going to swoon. It shows that you do listen to her, but not only that.. you listened to the point that when you saw that topic again, you not only had a passing thought of her, but had a strong enough thought of her to go out of your way to tell her about the topic or inform her on something you thought she might care about based on that conversation.

So.. right now I’m swooning a bit. Ok, I’m swooning a lot.

So.. maybe I was wrong.. maybe he does like me?

Or maybe he just really happened across something, and figured as a friend I needed to know?

I’m just going to go with… he likes me. Because a little delusional hopeful thinking never hurt anyone.. right?

Plus.. I rock. How could he not?

Crazies Come Out At Night

Last night was crazy. As usual all my important events all happen to be scheduled at the same exact time.

My Flirting Group.

A huge networking event

A new writers group “sit down and write” meeting (which obviously I need)

The FED – Swing Dancing

Lets not even mention all the friend’s happy hour invites, movie invites, and other more extraneous activities. Though I suppose the FED is kinda extraneous, but I kinda absentmindedly insinuated that I’d show up this week.

I needed to go to the top 3 events. I only actually made it to two, and even that was crazy.  I went to the flirting group mostly because I wanted to reconnect with the organizer for it. One day he’s going to be a multi-millionaire, and I’ll probably still need a job. Plus we both kinda love behavioral sciences. If it was legal/possible to stick humans in jars and watch what they did… we’d be doing it… though neither of us is really a scientist. We’re just both kinda crazy.. in mostly good ways (depending on who you talk to.)

Anyway, I arrive at the Flirting group and I get to talk to the organizer a bit. He’s been trying to reconnect with me (professionally – networking.. the guy is a newly wed), so we got a good chat in while everyone else did the flirting exercises. I thought about staying and flirting myself, but honestly looking at the men present.. I figured I’d have better luck next door at the networking event.  (aka out of the 3 guys that showed up, only one of them was .. er.. acceptable appearance-wise, and he seemed about as into me as day old fish.)

However, my organizer friend did mention some kind of millionaires group in town that throws parties. Evidently its 4 men to every women, and he said I’d “clean up” there and that it’d be like shooting fish in a barrel. So I’ll be looking out for those. 😉  I mean.. millionaires for the taking? Who wouldn’t?

Then I headed over to my networking party. I walk in. Anxiety. Its wall to wall people and there’s a line to get in. They’re doing nametags, AND the people at the nametag table are writing out the name tags for the people. Meaning EVERY SINGLE PERSON is attempting to spell out their name for the person writing the name down.  WTF?

This is not how these events normally go.. so when I got to the table and the girl asked my name.. pen ready to write out my name tag.. I kinda went a little nutz (inside, I tried to hide it). I felt like I was 2 and couldn’t write my name myself, so this nice lady had to do it for me. If I could have grabbed the damn nametag from her and written it myself I would have. Instead, I asked nicely if I could write it.  She balked a bit, but handed me the nametag while telling me that the person next to her needed to also know my name to write it on the sign-in sheet. I had this strange creepy sensation as if I was suddenly not at a networking event but at some kind of military camp with alcohol.

I shook it off, and ran to find people I knew.  It wasn’t too hard as about every 5 steps I ran into someone I knew from some place or another. Said hi in my awkward.. “I have nothing interesting to say” way, and yet somehow found something to say anyway. Hopefully it was interesting whatever it was I did say, though I fear it was not.

I had a good time though.. flirting with very happily married male friends.. and attempting to find an attractive looking single male.  Which for some reason is getting harder and harder at these events, as every good looking man at these events it seems is gay. Seriously. I’m not joking.

Though I did get to see Pierce again. Now, I’ve mentioned once before that I’d kinda had a thing for him since the first time I met him, and that we flirt.. but I have no idea if he’s interested or not.  After last night, I’m going to say .. not interested.

He was looking extra fantastic though. It was like suddenly he went from the uber-geeky guy to uber-hot guy.  He had on this clingy fitted t-shirt. Normally I just assume geeky guys are rather non-muscular and well.. geeky figures..  No no.. Pierce is f’n ripped. I don’t know what kind of canned spinach he’s been eating or what kind of toxic spill he slipped into or what.. but DAAAAAAAAAAMMMN he was looking good.  I almost forgot how to talk to him as I was busy staring. I’m pretty sure my mouth fell open and dragged on the floor a couple times as well.

It is not fair. Brainy. Fun. Great personality. And f’n hot?  Sorry but I’m quite sure that’s illegal.

Anyway, towards the end of the night, I found him again (I’d done some mingling and came back) and we chatted for a while. He excused himself to use the facilities, said he’d be right back.. in a way that made it sound like he was reassuring me (soo not a good sign).. only never to return.  I did see him come out of the restroom, and look in my direction.. but he didn’t come over.

Ah well..

I found myself exhausted by that point anyway.. too much social time and too little food. I’d kinda forgotten to eat all day until right before I had to leave, in which I didn’t really have time to eat then. So I headed home to make myself a big assed plate of food.

On my way to my car though, I pass by Katz Diner. Suddenly I hear thudding on the window of the diner and two guys looking at me and waving exstaticly for me to come in.  WTF? I went in.. mostly out of curiousity about what drugs these guys were on.. but partly because I vaguely recognized one of the guy’s faces. They were both brown skinned and looked Indian.

What is with me attracting Indians?? Please someone tell me?

So I walk in. The host says, “Table for one?” and starts to grab a menu when I interupt him.

“No no.. I believe I was summoned by some strange guys that I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll be right back.” And I head into the dining room.

The host looks at me with “Oh thats what they were doing” relief and a bit of a “good luck” smile.

I get to their table, and ask “Do I know you?”

The one whose face I vague recall seeing before looks offended. The other guy is quick to invite me to sit down and introduces himself. For an Indian guy btw, the second guy is hot. He even had longish hair which I normally find revolting but on him it was fantastic.

Evidently, I’d met the first guy at one of the networking parties. Which one? I don’t recall. This is how long Indian men stay on my radar.. blip.. gone.

The guys are nice and welcoming. They try to convince me to stay and eat with them. They’re uber-sweet.. the creepy too sweet thing that it seems only Indian men can do really well to make you feel comfortable.. and yet those experienced with Indian men know that behind all that niceness is a very persistant “come home and fuck me”.  Both of them were fresh off the boat Indians, and since I had no intention of going home and fucking either one of them.. I left.

It was a funny picture though… two strange men excitedly pounding a window as I walked by in order to catch my attention.. Flattering.

Unfortunately that never happens with men I actually like.

My Meeting With The Playas

The other night I went out with Evie and a friend of hers. In all honesty, I went for the possibility of meeting someone, yet with the full expectation of being completely bored out of my mind. A group of 3 girls almost always leaves one as the third wheel, and since Evie’s friend and her were childhood friends, I fully expected to be the third wheel.

But I needed to go out, and nothing else that night sounded even remotely entertaining.

We went to a play and then the after-party. It was a small production with a small audience. It was ok. Some of the actors, you could tell were naturally talented and the rest were really trying to be. It was at least entertaining.

Then about 20 minutes from the end, I see Evie’s ex? I guess thats who he is. I can’t remember if they’d had sex or exactly what… But I do know that she’s at least seen his penis, and helped him get off. They’re “friends” now, but with Evie that could be FwB or just platonic friends. Its really hard to say.

Evie can’t go a night without a guy. During the show, she’d texted him to meet her there. So when I saw him come in.. I knew what had happened and I rolled my eyes.

It doesn’t help that I just cannot stand the guy. I avoid him like he’s got cooties. He comes off as needy and desperate. And I’ve got the feeling that any woman will do for him as long as she’s mildly attractive (not hideous), and not illegal. (I guess I should be thankful he has some standards huh?)

Plus.. from Evie, I know WAY more that I ever wanted to about his sexual interests and erm.. proclivities. If I wasn’t interested by the fact that he looks like a doofus, or by the fact that he acts like he’s only out for getting laid and desperately at that, then his sexual preferences alone would have sealed the deal for me that I wasn’t going to touch him with a 10 foot pole.

After the show was over, and while we waited for the after-party to start, I found out that Trey had brought two friends with him.

Techincally he brought one friend, who brought his friend.. but thats just me nitpicking.

So we’re standing around, and these two guys join our group. I of course wonder who they are, and Evie introduces them.

I honestly don’t remember their names. So I’m gunna make up some names.

The first one was chatty, but from the moment he opened his mouth, my lady parts shuddered and recoiled. Jessie’s voice was a little .. umm.. too high and he talked with just a slight lisp. Had he not talked about screwing women, I would have sworn he was gay. He was around my height, but with delicate bone structure. His wrists were even dainty. The thought of him having sex with a woman quite frankly made me giggle… a lot.

He talked as if he was Mr. MacDaddy which wasn’t helping the situation any. Maybe he does get all the girls. Who knows.. I just find it immensely unbelievable. To be honest, I found the idea of him and Trey being secret lovers much much more believable.

The third guy, Bill, was shy and completely did not fit with the other two. He was new to town, so I excused his judgement in friends. He had long hair and was Native American. He actually was kind of sweet, but way too young. That didn’t keep him from attempting to hit on me though. So cute, in an adorable little boy way (I know.. just the way guys hope to be seen right?), but about an hour or so later he admitted his age and he was barely legal. WAY too young for me, and thus I was right in thinking of him as a little boy.

So none of them were at all.. in any way.. potential interests of mine. This actually made the night more fun, because they ALL thought that I’d be happy to have them.

Dear Men… I am not that desperate.. and will never be that desperate.. Sorry.

So the party got started, and people started going back inside. It was hot inside. Like sauna hot. I went in to be social for a bit, but found my way outside rather quickly. The last thing I needed was to be miserable on top of this potential boredom.

A few minutes later, one guy after the other came outside as well. Soon it was myself and the three guys.

We began to talk. Jessie kept giving the youngin’ Bill some MacDaddy advice, which I would then critique and tell him how to do it better. Then Jessie saw that as a sign to out do himself. It became this challenge to show me how much of a MacDaddy he was. I couldn’t have secretly laughed at him more. At one point he said:

“I shouldn’t tell you because you’ll hate me.”

To which I replied, “If I don’t hate you by now, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you can come up with.”

He stammered and still pretended to be all gentlemanly in refusing to divulge his scoundrel secrets in my presence.

“Ok.. by hate you.. what did you mean by that?”

Jessie turned red, and so I continued…

“If you mean by hate you, that I would no longer want to have sex with you.. let me put your mind at ease.. that ship sailed within the first minutes of meeting you. So just say what you were going to say.”

He looked at me agast, and then did his best to recover. He tried to ask what it was that turned me off, but I simply brushed him off with a “Eh, you’re not my type.” (Rather than telling him that he reminded me of some gay friends from college.) He retorted with a “Oh well at least we’re on the same page.” which made me laugh.

Yes yes… I can be a bitch, but I honestly cared not at all what this guy or his friends thought of me.

So he continues about his rules for “dating” which were quite frankly steps to have a one night stand. He did pretty much every cliche’ without actually mentioning roofies, though he did mention that getting a girl completely plowed so she’d not remember how to get back to his place later. I know.. a charmer. I of course added rules for him, and instead told him that he should just go to her place. No one can say I’m not helpful. 🙂

If I’m not interested in dating you, and I’m pretty sure you’re harmless (or at least that even the smallest woman could kick your ass), I’m more than willing to share my knowledge to help you get laid.. by someone else. 🙂 Its just how I roll.

Bill however was really enjoying the conversation and cursing that he had no way to take notes. The poor guy. In reality all Bill would have to do to get laid is to hang out with these two morons he was with, then go appologize to the girls later and state that he was new to town. He was sweet, honest, and not bad looking.. and following the wake of the other two guys, he’d look like the catch of the day.

Trey however was not liking the conversation. He instead was trying desperately to convince me that his playboy past was over (like I really believed he had a playboy past), and he was now looking for a real relationship. He was not grasping the idea that I could have cared less about what he was looking for.. I was not interested.. yet he continually tried to impress me with his “seeking a relationship” self.

When we began to discuss ages.. Trey started it by saying he was 40 (he looks maybe 34) and how 30 was the new 20 for him. The others also stated their ages, and then came my turn, which I declined. They were 19, 31, and 40.. and I just let them believe whatever age they thought I was. Generally I’m assumed to be in my late 20’s or early 30’s, so I figure they thought I was.

Then Trey began commenting on the music that was wafting outside from the party.

“I used to skate to this back in ’78”

Which we all would tease him about making himself sound ancient. Heck I’m not much younger than him, and even I thought he sounded old the things he was saying.

It was one “I’m old” statement after anouther which kept me entertained by teasing him about how old he was making himself sound and “Thats the way to win the Ladies, man.” sarcasm. I honestly don’t think he understood just exactly how off-putting his “remember when” was, or would be to younger women.. when their parents would be the ones saying those “remember whens”.

We were outside talking for a couple hours before the other two girls came out, and we all parted ways.

All in all it was a good night.. Lots of fun (for me anyway.)

Sail Away With Me… Not

So I went and hung out with some friends last weekend. They were all gathering at a place I think of as my “Cheers”, despite that I don’t make it down there every day and don’t know most of the staff. I just feel homey when I’m there.

The Gingerman

I honestly really needed a “Gingerman” trip anyway. It’d been a while since I’d been there, and the need for beer was strong. If the Gingerman was closer to me, I might actually have a chance of becoming that alcoholic that I keep trying and failing to be. Though I even doubt that one as I’ve a fridge with cold beer and several bottles of hard liquor that I’m always forgetting to drink. I even have my favorite vodka (Armadale) sitting right beside my computer, and like eating.. I forget to drink it.

It’s actually pretty amazing that I remember to post blog posts or even manage to get through writing a blog post. Yes, my attention span is that f’d up. Ooooo pretty…

Oh yes.. back to the Gingerman..

I arrive. Late. As usual. But not so late to miss the entire party, just enough that I’m a drink or two behind everyone else. A true alcoholic would have arrived early to drink more.. damn it..

Anyway, my friends see me and act like I’m some sort of mirage. Have I mentioned that I’ve not seen most of them in months? It takes them a minute but..

I got flack.

“Where have you been? Don’t tell me you have friends other than us!” Don lectured me jokingly as he came over to give me a big hug.

He was then followed by a couple girls that I pretend to be friends with, but in reality barely know. They’re great girls and a lot of fun .. at least while at the bar.. but I just don’t see us clicking without a beer in hand and mutual male friends to distract us. Let alone a girls-night. Call me paranoid, but I honestly think if we went to a bar just us girls to hang out.. I’d have blade marks all over my back.

But I made nice, and acted all happy to see them. It was good to see familiar faces and have people that were interested in me.. so it wasn’t an entire act I guess. They wanted to catch up on everything I’ve been doing lately… which honestly is nothing of any interest anyone.

Would you like to know about my experiment with maple syrup vs brown sugar syrup on pancakes?  Or maybe all the interesting job offers I’m getting for things that either will put me in jail or make me homicidal so I end up in jail?

So I answered their questions to the best of ability, and they drifted off to other people.

Don however stuck around. He wanted more details and wasn’t going to give up until I told him everything.  So I did. About me being sick and not wanting to socialize, about the job hunt which is going miserably, and about anything else that came to mind.

Then I saw Karl. Karl is an older gentleman. He’s normally quiet, polite, somewhat shy, a little aloof but social, and always in the best manners (reserved).  So what happened made my head spin a little.

I see Karl talking to a very hot man whom I’ve never seen before. I catch Karl out of the corner of my eye pointing in my direction and commenting to the guy next to him.

“I saw that!” I exclaim to Karl pretending to be offended/suspicious, then turn to his friend. “What is he selling you on now? Don’t trust a word of it!” I say as I smile widely.

Karl completely denies pointing as a child does who got caught eating chocolate and denies it with chocolate all over his face.

I then start to walk away to say hi to a few other people, when Karl grabs my arm.

“You can’t leave.”


“You can’t leave. You have to stay here.”

This is unlike Karl. Most times Karl just lets me flitter wherever I want. Never has he ever tried to entangle me in a conversation.

So I figured he had something to say to me.

Nope. He just wanted me to stand there next to him as he talked with the hot guy.

I of course had other plans. The guy was hot and all, but a little shorter than I like, and I’m not really that into dating right now.  So I wanted to say hi to my friends before they left.

I started to leave again..

And again Karl stopped me. It was then I realized that Karl was drunk. I’d never seen Karl drunk.. but he was.  And it was funny.

He was joking with me.. in annoying ways.. that make me laugh. His antics were also making the hot guy laugh.. though he was in fairness laughing at me and my inability to get away politely.

Finally Karl let me escape, and I went to say Hi to more of my friends.  I also learned that I do not post on Facebook very much, and that people would have been concerned that I’d died had I completely stopped posting on Facebook. Evidently, my weekly posts on Facebook have saved me from being the subject of a 911 call.

Obviously, I need to go out more often.

So I go get more beer and flirt with Mr Hot Bartender (seriously wanna try that on for size).

It was hot outside, cool inside, and everyone was standing in the middle between the outside and inside which was part hot, and part lukewarm. I’d already said my hellos, and tired of being hot, I sat myself and my cold beer down on a couch nearby where there was no one sitting.

Ah.. peace, quiet, cool drink and air conditioning…

Then the hot guy came to sit across from me to talk.

It was idle chitchat to start. How long have I know these friends.. how often do we all hang out.. etc and so on.

Then he started to tell me about himself.  About his condo downtown, and his other house in Boston.

Is it just me, or? … when a guy says that he has two residences and claims to be single… does anyone else just tune out?

It seems to be a theme with me lately. Meeting men who obviously want me to think or know they have money.

For me, all I need to know is that you’re financially stable. If you’re trying to tell me you’ve make $300k a year, you’ve obviously misjudged my priorities.  However if you’ve got big bucks, and I know it without you telling me, you’re generous without flaunting it.. I might start stalking you. Its all about the character baby.

He was a nice guy, and despite his double houses .. I might have given him a chance.. but he also really really likes boating and sailing.

Me + Water (with fish in it) is a non-starter. Not going to happen. Unless your boat is the size of a small island, don’t be trying to picture us “sailing away” any day soon.

Then people saw us sitting down and talking. Don, in his own flirting enthusiastic way, plopped down next to me in a way that can only be described accurately as an ex-boyfriend move.. and the hot guy’s eyes reacted as if “Oh you have a boyfriend”… which made me laugh. Had I not already ruled Hot guy out as a potential date, I might have been a little upset with Don.  As it was I joked around with Don, and introduced him to the hot guy.  Then one by one everyone joined the couches and conversations.

Hot guy stayed and talked with everyone for awhile. Don then ran off to another side of the bar.  Then Hot guy saw Don flirting outrageously with one of our mutual friends, and he commented.  I replied thats just Don he’s kinda the group flirt or party person.  His eyes then changed in understanding again, realizing that Don and I weren’t dating. (Silly men)

Hot guy shortly after got up for another beer. Never to be seen again.

Oh well.

Haunted By Old Memories

Last night I was out with some friends, and they decided to all meet up for an after-party at a place that I never go to. Its an area of town that I used to know well when I first moved to Austin, but since I moved out of that area, I rarely return.

By Rarely I mean Never.

I hadn’t realized it when they mentioned the place just exactly where it was. Or should I say, I didn’t realize that my last memory of the area was of that area. I didn’t connect the two until I started driving there.

I turned onto the road miles south of the intersection with the bar where we were meeting… and my memories started coming back to me.

I started to remember the last night I was on that road. How wonderful that last meeting with him was. His smile. The way he looked at me.

When I pulled onto this road, it was at the juncture that ended the night finally.. where he pulled south, and I turned north. So as I drove towards the bar, the memories became happier and more bittersweet.

I realized that I missed him. I cussed at him in my car for moving away. It was a half-assed cuss-out as I know he did what he had to do, and I’d never want to take his dreams away. But knowing that barely makes his absence more tolerable, nor does it really let me miss him less.

By the time I got to the intersection where the bar was located, I was a little overwhelmed with missing him. That intersection was the same intersection where we were stopped at the light, windows rolled down, and flirting. Even now when I think on it, I smile with watery eyes.

I pulled myself together though and made it to the bar composed. Ordered a beer and chatted as if I wasn’t being haunted by old memories.

As I drove home, I ended up stopped at the same light. In the same spot as I had been months ago. Finding myself wishing that he would pull up beside me, and make me laugh like he had before.

It was a bittersweet ride home. Filled with happy memories that I’d nearly forgotten, and saddened because he’s not here.

I’m A Hottie

I went out the other night to a networking event.. and there were several friends there of Hock and I.

Hock was not there.

I honestly didn’t think I’d bad mouth Hock. It wasn’t part of my plan. I honestly thought I’d stop at “We had a falling out.” or some other vague-ity… but people would ask if I was going to ____ event or “Hey you going to Hock’s party next week?” And the story of Hock & my official falling out.. just came flowing out of my mouth.

I ran into one of Hock’s friends that I’d met during the game.. and she was shocked at his behavior with me.

“That is so unlike him”

I told her I thought it was out of character as well, but its what happened and I just can’t overlook it. She agree and was adequately appalled at him on my behalf.

Then I ran into a mutual friend who had seen Hock and I making out that first night. She came over to chide me about it. Jokingly. She admitted that her and her husband had been married so long she was jealous of our hot make-out session. She went on to tell me what a cute couple we were, and the story of me and Hock came out like verbal vomit.

She interjected: “When I asked him about your make-out scene, he replied ‘oh the hottie’ so it wasn’t because he thinks you’re ugly.”

I guess I can take some comfort in that. Right?

I did get to see a couple of my crushes.. The married hottie.. *sigh* and the single one.

I’d not seen Pierce (the single one) in months. We’ve never said a whole lot to each other, but he’s always been friendly and somewhat flirtatious.. I think?  We’re both very shy neurotic semi-social-geeky people that well.. I honestly can’t tell if he’s flirting or if he’s just being friendly. .. However I’m just going to assume that he wants me.. and he wants me bad. 🙂

We saw each other across a very crowded room. I was making my rounds looking for familiar faces and possibly new people to meet, when I saw him. He saw me and his face changed into recognition and smiles. (I’m pretty sure mine also changed in the same way. I was overjoyed to see him.)

I made my way over.

He enveloped me in a hug and I melted. Neurosis knows neurosis. I’m comfortable with him.

Well comfortable except for the whole not knowing if we’re just friends.. or maybe? or who knows?

We said our hellos and talked about the past few months. What we’d each been doing, what’s new, what’s not, and so on.

I nervously thought he was trying to get away at one point. He moved closer to me, almost like he was trying to get past me… and I backed away to let him through. I realized my error when he then backed away to his original position.  I still don’t know what he was trying to do, but I was much too nervous to ask.

The conversation came to its natural end, and I couldn’t find anything even remotely interesting to prolong it.  Plus it was muggy and hot where we were, so I used the moment to excuse myself for cooler spaces.

That was the last I saw him that evening.

Follow Friday Drama: Count Me Out

I’m a bad girl. I’ve been scolded. I’ve been unfollowed. I’ve been blocked and unblocked and reblocked again. In this activity, I have been told with whom I can and cannot be friends or suffer the same treatment.

For those of you not “in the know”, there is a major rift dividing the Dating Blogger world.  There are two people who do not get along (ok more than two, but there are essentially two sides) and for the purpose of this post.. I’ll call them Blogger A, and Blogger B.

They both have their reasons of why they are fighting, and each feels fully justified in their stances and behaviors.

Blogger A vehemently disagreed with Blogger B’s initial posts and attitude, and honestly Blogger A’s position was not unfounded.  Blogger A then decided that Blogger B needed correcting.

Blogger B has posted some great posts and some “OMG you have to be posting this just for the controversy” posts.  Blogger B’s initial posts and attitude even had myself thinking that Blogger B needed some education.  But over time Blogger B has grown to be an excellent dating blogger.

However, Blogger A’s initial “attack” on Blogger B, caused Blogger B to be hurt and wounded. And the fight escalated.

Both Bloggers have their benefits and their detriments. Both at one time or another, I’ve considered to be friends of mine.

Blogger A is not an easily likable person. Blogger A is often negative and judgmental in their approach to people and situations.  This makes for good reading, and good discussion. Blogger A has a great following of dedicated readers who love that no-bullshit approach. It’s actually one of the things that first drew me to Blogger A’s blog.  Plus the fact that Blogger A allows me to disagree without fear of retribution.

Blogger B is a very nice person and has grown to blog very nicely. Blogger B has a great perspective on dating and life, and their posts are always insightful. Blogger B has grown a good following based in their fresh perspective and flirty ways. Blogger B truely has a very sweet-heart personality once you get to know them.

I sort of understand Blogger A’s perspective on Blogger B, but yes I do think that an apology from Blogger A is needed.  But both sides have spread rumors and bad talked each other. No one is an angel here.

I also do not like being forced to choose a side. I’m no longer in HS. I no longer feel the need to deal with this.

I’ve known Blogger A almost since my “birth” here. Blogger A’s been nothing but nice to me. Blogger A has never lashed out at me for being friends with Blogger B. Blogger A did mention it once, but has not (to my knowledge) held it against me.

Blogger B and I are recent friends. We started rocky as I disagreed with Blogger B’s initial attitude and perspective. I got blocked and wasn’t told why. Then Blogger B’s attitude changed and I started liking what Blogger B was saying and posting. Through strange round about ways, Blogger B deemed me safe to talk to and unblocked me. The blocking it turned out had to do with my friendship with Blogger A.

Then today, I posted some #FF tweets. Including both of them in the same tweet.

I’m told I lost followers. Blogger B has unfollowed me again. (and to tell you the truth, it hurts every time someone blocks me. it shouldn’t, but it does.)

I am a peacemaker. I don’t like to be in the middle of fights, and will do my best to resolve the situation. I’ve tried, but it is no use.

So I’m done. I don’t do this politics crap.. I never have.

If you want to be my friend.. be my friend. I won’t be toyed with, or given ultimatums. I won’t let you dictate who I can and cannot associate with.  If you don’t like my friends, thats fine.. not everyone likes everyone.. I won’t require you to like them. I also won’t require you to drop a friend that happens to be an enemy of mine. (Hell I hung out with friends of Hock’s last night without a problem)

I either trust you as a friend or I don’t.  You either trust me as a friend or you don’t.

But I tell you both this.. Blogger A and Blogger B.. until you two can live as friends, I will not RT or Mention either of you on Twitter. I will not be publicly friends with either of you, as your fighting has now really hurt me.

Its days like today, that I am ashamed to be among the “Dating Bloggers”.

A Good Sport

So the other night, I’m out at a hockey game. My first ever hockey game either on TV or live.

If you’ve been a long time reader, you’ve been privy to my hatred of nearly all sports. A deep seated hatred based in lots of years of being tortured with it, and being second choice to it.  (Dear men, if your partner is second choice to any sporting event.. except maybe the final game like the SuperBowl.. Please go seek help right now.)

So when Hock invited me to go (as a friend thing), I really wanted to say no. I feared the worst. I feared being ignored and bored and lost. I feared I wouldn’t cheer at the right spots or worse cheer for the opposing team accidentally. I feared that it would be torture.

But I wanted to see Hock ((to see if.. well to really know for certain if that booty-text was his real feelings on the subject).  I’d never seen a hockey game, so it was at least something new to try.

So I went. I’m glad I did. (despite it encouraging yesterdays post)

I’ll admit at first I wasn’t that into it. I sat there and tried to get my bearings. I’d played some floor hockey in gym in high school, so I knew the basics. But grasping what actually was happening on the floor, and who did what.. and where the hell did that puck go (Half the time even the refs didn’t know where it went either. That I found immensely funny, btw.) was a bit overwhelming.

There were points where I thought I should cheer, but no one else was, so I didn’t. There were points where everyone was cheering and I was still trying to figure out why.

But Hock was great to watch it with.  He was patient and nice and not condescending. He explained some finer points of the game and explained some players relationships/personalities which made the game much more interesting and intriguing.

I have to also admit that there’s something sexy about a man cheering his team with a positive attitude and not getting all sore (man-pouting) because things aren’t going exactly the way he wanted.  Seriously at one point I nearly cowgirl’d Hock in his seat, fortunately I have self-restraint. Though that could just be a Hock thing, as most of the time when he was talking I just wanted to go over and kiss the crap out of him. (yes I know.. I already said I had a problem yesterday)

It is going to take me years I think to fully appreciate hockey as a sport, but I had a great time much to my own surprise.

So maybe all sports aren’t dead to me. Oh, and games are much much better with lots of company and booze. Especially if that company is sexy.

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