The Read Non-Date Date Kinda

So last night I got to hang out with Pierce. It wasn’t a date or a planned event. I didn’t message him “see you tonight” even though I knew he was planning on going… I am part stalker btw… because we weren’t going together or even going to meet each other. We just both happened to be going to the same place.

Now I hoped that last night would pan out so that Pierce and I could get some one on one time, but my expectations were not high.

I get there and its wall to wall people. I see one person that I “know” and he sort of knows me. Matt knows who I am by my face. I doubt he knows my name, and while this guy is salesman nice (to everyone) he more often than not tries to get away from me asap. Its like I’ve got cooties.

So I say “Hi” to Matt, he says “Hi” in return. There’s an awkward moment, and Matt flees.

I go to the bar, grab a drink, a stiff drink, and look around for other people I might know or want to get to know. The group of people is ecclectic at best. There’s locals dressed “as you are”, business types dressed accordingly with fancy suits and well coiffed hair (obviously gay or completely new to town), and a mix of ordinary well adjusted people who dressed normal for being where we were and outside in the heat.

I’m busy watching the show when Pierce walks in. He sees me, gives me a hug, and stays to chat a bit. Mostly just talking about who is here and who we know. I mention that I only know Matt and point out where he is. Shortly thereafter, Pierce excuses himself and says something about going to say Hi to Matt. To be honest, I wasn’t listening. I was trying to watch the show and heard that he was going, and tuned out.

About 20 minutes later, when the show was over, Pierce returns to me and we talk. We talk about his work and my potential work, and this thing and that thing… and politics and BP.. He may or may not have made joking references to being too busy in college trying to get laid, and I may or may not have described my bed to him with a little too much detail (hey it fit in with the conversation I swear)… and.. then Pierce excuses himself to go to the bathroom saying quite clearly that he’ll be right back.

This time.. unlike the last time we’d hung out… It wasn’t said awkwardly or like he felt I needed some kind of pathetic reassurance in order to extracate himself… this time he said it solidly as a promise of “We’re not done here.” There was no question about it.

But I also didn’t want to just sit there twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to return. I wanted to talk to a few of the performers, and took that chance to do so.. while keeping an eye on the spot where I was, watching for his return.

I barely got a few words in with a couple performers before I saw him return looking for me. (insert big grin and an inner happy dance) So I tried to catch his eye to show him where I was. He saw me talking to the performers and came and sat down a few feet away from my new position and waited. (insert swoon)

He didn’t seem irritated. He just sat and waited. Patiently. Until I finished doing what I was doing. He didn’t come over and try to horn in on the conversation or try to pull me away. He just waited. He didn’t seem impatient or signal me to hurry up. He just waited his turn, patiently.

I seriously wanted to take him home and fuck him something rotten for that. After years of my ex being grumpy and impatient and belittling whatever it was I wanted to do… and being upset with me if I didn’t do what he wanted to do and just socially been a complete pain in my ass… This was a breath of fresh air, and had we been in a relationship, Pierce would have gotten some mad crazy girl sex. Just sayin.

Left to my own devices, I probably would have prolonged my interaction with the performers quite a bit longer.. but seeing Pierce look so deliciously patient and waiting for me.. I cut out of the conversation before I would have otherwise.

Sexy intelligent man vs really cool important people who won’t remember your name tomorrow? Uh sexy man please!

So I sat down next to Pierce, and we talked some more. And talked. And talked. Though it didn’t seem like time was really passing, other than that crazy ache to kiss him and the visual of the sun setting, I’m not sure time really passed at all while we talked.

And he was sweet. Seriously sweet. At one point the sun was in my face when I would turn to talk to him, he, of his own accord, moved his head between mine and the sun blocking it completely from hitting my face. He did this without calling attention to what he was doing. He didn’t even say “is that better” like he was expecting a thank you or calling attention to his chivalry. He just did it, and seemed pleased enough that in doing so the conversation continued to flow. He held that position, moving slightly in response to any change in my position, until the sun itself had moved to a less problematic spot. (How can I not swoon?)

We got up to refresh our drinks, and he stayed with me… not like a leech, he wasn’t glued to my side.. but near me. We continue talking once we’ve gotten new drinks, and as we’re finishing our drinks, Pierce mentions that he needs to go. I agree that its probably time to go, though in all honesty I wasn’t ready to part. I had no idea what time it was, but I was pretty sure by the fact that we were the last people there that it was in fact time to go home.

“You want to walk out together?” Pierce asks.

I barely catch it and I think that’s what he said.

“Yeah, that’d be great.” I reply.

We coordinate our exit, and walk out together. As we approach every juncture where we could have parted ways, he says “I need to go (insert direction)..” with a silent hestitation implying “which direction are you?” while almost guiding me seamlessly along as we walked together.

We went part of the way to our cars together, alas there was a fork in the road where we parted ways. We hugged quickly. Said we’d had a good time.

“Until next time” he said… or maybe it was “I’ll see you around, at the next thing” ? I don’t recall.

All I know is that there is something there. It might be as simple as friendship, or it might be something more. We’ll see.

The Good Fight

There is nothing like a good fight. Ok… arguement.. discussion.. whatever you want to call it when two people disagree, voice it, and come to a resolution.. hopefully without killing each other or causing undue bodily or emotional/mental harm.

I like a good arguement. Not all the time. Not every day. But when the time it is right, the subject is right, then yes.. a good arguement.

I’ve always known the importance of disagreement. Partly from my parents who when I was a child disagreed often and probably more so than was healthy.  But they worked it out, and this is eventually what I took away from it.

Then came the ex.. He disagreed on nothing. A few times he’d disagree, and I’d start to get into my arguing mode producing my evidence for my stance, and he’d back down. I assumed (wrongly) that because he did so.. that the subject was not important or that I’d turned him to agree with me.

What I didn’t know.. and didn’t understand.. is that while I understood good arguements and resolution.. He didn’t.

While I love his father.. it wasn’t until way late in the marriage when I realized that it was his father who taught him this.  His father taught him to back down to any confrontation from a woman. If she said it.. she got her way. Period. (Partly this is because his mother is a lunatic..)

So I was left most of the marriage trying to get out of my ex what it was that he wanted. I tried coaxing it out of him. I tried giving him options of compromises that I’d agree to.. to which he merely let me do whatever it was I wanted.. all the while myself knowing that he had an opinion he just didn’t want to share it.

He refused to tell me things that might possibly in some way of any kind.. upset me.  Sometimes these were minor things.. he’d broken a glass.. and sometimes these were major things.. the company was downsizing or there was something wrong with his health.

To most people.. he’d be considered a nice guy.. to me, he was a doormat. Passive-aggressive. His way of dealing (by not dealing) caused me more stress than anything. I worried. I fretted. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to get answers out of him.

Then I gave up. Really. He said it was ok to get whatever curtains I wanted. I would. I stopped consulting him on things. I did whatever I wanted. He did whatever he wanted. We had our routine and stuck to that. I pretended not to care.. until I really didn’t anymore.

Probably needless to say that we drifted apart. The thing is.. the relationship probably could have been salvaged.. if only we’d had that fight. We had the anger anyway. We had the resentment. We just never had the resolution.

Since then, I’ve noticed how that has changed me. Downside: I don’t press people for anything anymore (which often means I don’t ask anyone any questions and it can look like I don’t care). Upside: If someone doesn’t answer me, or doesn’t want to talk to me.. I move on without care to someone who does.

But I also find myself really liking a good argument (not a forced argument.. don’t be silly and try to make a fight) where both viewpoints are expressed.. I find myself respecting the other person a whole ton.. and sometimes finding them sexy where before I did not.

Its not about arguing for arguement’s sake.. its about the freedom to express yourself and your partner feeling free to express themselves.. its not about the conflict.. its about your ability to have it and still come to a resolution.

Its not the fight.. its the making up.  Its about honesty. Its about trust. Its about making sure you’re both on the same path… Together.

Going Back In Time

This weekend has been full of nostalgic activities.. its actually been a couple weeks now of nostalgia if you count my trip back to the “homeland”.

I relaxed and read a book. I had to think hard to recall the last book I read. I was going to say that it was years ago.. but then I remembered I read the Twilight series.. which was my last fun reading before now. Last fall I vaguely recall torturing myself with Frankenstien (Mary Shelley) because I felt obligated to host a book club meeting for a friend.

As a child, I used to read all the time. It was the one thing I could do on my own (I was allowed to go to the library by myself – small town) as often as I wanted, without getting yelled at by my mother. I remember reading the entire series of the Hardy Boys in one summer. This in the days before reading programs. I’d have rocked a summer reading program. Even up until HS, I always had a book I was reading.

I like reading books in one sitting. I am not so happy (understatement) about having to put up a book to do something else before I’m finished reading it. I’ve also been known not to answer phone calls or text messages when I’m in the middle of a book. Funny enough my best friend is the same way, though she’ll answer you she’ll just be massively rude until you hang up and let her back at her book.

I read “Odd Thomas” which has been sitting on my To-Do Reading List for so long that I had to dust it off to read it. It was a good read, but most of all… it was just good to finish a book. I love that feeling. Finishing a Book.

Once the book was finished.. I debating what else to do. There’s nothing currently on TV and I’m way too broke to actually do anything.

Anyway, one thing lead to another.. I blame Holly actually, since she’d mentioned it the night previous to me starting again..

I logged into my MUD.

For those of you unaware of any kind of internet prior to 1998 or so.. Way back when, there used to be a method of internet use that wasn’t web based. People used to connect directly to other peoples computers or host computers to get their information, chat, meet others.. they used a now little known method called Telnet. Through Telnet, which is entirely 100% text and text graphics, there were “worlds” you could visit if you only knew where to go. Some were games. Some were completely social. Some were raunchy. Some were pristine. If you searched long enough, you could find one that fit you.

MUDs were just one of the Telnet activities and the one that I adhered to most. MUDs are games. Comparibly a text-based ancient version of World of Warcraft. Some MUDs you got to choose what kind of being you were.. elves, gremlins, warlocks, vampires, fairy, ewok, humanoid.. basically for any kind of creature/theme you wanted to play there was a game for it. Some were games that would allow you to kill other players and fight each other to gain levels, others were more peaceful games that encouraged people to join together to kill “monsters”.

In the good MUDs.. the ones that still to this day are running.. they built community. Not only would people play together online, but they’d play together long enough that they’d become friends and want to meet outside the game.

This was what brought me in and got me addicted to my MUD.

Community.

In all honesty, what started me on this mud was a very very nice English guy who took me under his wing my first day and aquired for me all the tools I’d need to get started. He was strong and sexy, and I came back to that MUD for months just looking to find him again. I never did.

But while I was waiting in vain for him to show up, I met others in the game. I began to play and get to know this whole new world of people outside my prison of Nebraska. Months passed. Years passed.

From 1992.. til around 2000.. anyone who got even remotely close to me.. I tried to corrupt them by getting them also into the game. I managed to corrupt a few. 🙂

The game was its own society. It still is. My “fraternity” or “sorority” so to speak. Other than just playing a silly game, we all would meet together. Spend weekends out “camping” (our word for a tent, food, booze, and possibly sex). (I actually lost my virginity to someone I met on this game)

This community has massive amounts of smart people.. a few idiots.. a few crazies.. a few mean people.. a few super nice people.. but there is one thing we have in common.. We have each other’s backs against the outside world.

Like family, I can make fun of them all I damn well want to.. we can call each other names, hurt each other, help each other.. fight… make up.. whatever.. But if the outside world harms one of us, we’re all pretty much out for blood. Crazy or not.. friendly or not.. We protect our own.

Actually right now on my MUD, half of them are helping one of them fix their computer problem, while also giving advice on new products and what pitfalls to avoid.

It was something I’d forgotten in the last few years. My ex did not like the game or any of the people in the community really. So when I married him, I found myself drifting from it.

But I logged back in this weekend. Old faces (aka familiar text on a screen) were around and people just laughing and having fun. We’d chat about our days (kinda like people do on Twitter) and complain about mutual woes (why’d they change this in the game… why won’t they change that). I’d reconnected with a few old friends and it felt like I’d never left. Well.. with the exception that they’re now superhuman levels and I’m still where I was.. but honestly that wasn’t that unusual back then either.

So I’m back to being addicted to this game.. but its more than a game.. its my facebook before Facebook.. my twitter before Twitter.. its another world, where my family lives together… despite all of us being thousands of miles apart.

My Silly Little Girl Love

I’m in love. Swooning Love. I’ve been here for a while.

It’s not real love. Ok, it might be a start at real love.. you know.. “The first time I saw him, I knew….” blah blah blah.. But basically this is mostly of my own imagination.

To be honest, the first time I saw him reading me.. I swooned. I mean really.. what is a guy like that doing reading a girl like me?

But its not all romantic dreamy.. He has his flaws. Flaws that only make him more human and lovable. His flaws are like scar wounds. Things that show where he’s been and how he’s pulled through. Things that show he knows that balance between work and play, reponsibility and irresponsibility, love and.. war.

There is nothing I’ve learned of him so far that hasn’t endeared me to him.

I mostly admire him from afar. I read him. I’ve looked at his pictures. I’ve heard his voice.

I see his IP showing that he’s read me, and I smile. It brightens my day. He comments on something I posted, and my heart does a little flitter.

But when I think about possibly meeting him.. and all the things that a real relationship entails, I start to panic at all the things that threaten to shatter this happy silly girl love.

He’s a dream of a reality that I’m not ready to experience. So I’ve not pushed things or tried to make things more than the ethereal dream they are right now. I’m not ready for this dream to end, or for reality to come crashing in.

Its my silly little girl fantasy. My hope in a box.

For now its enough, this little love from afar, flirting play we’re in. Maybe someday, I’ll be brave enough for more.

Haunted By Old Memories

Last night I was out with some friends, and they decided to all meet up for an after-party at a place that I never go to. Its an area of town that I used to know well when I first moved to Austin, but since I moved out of that area, I rarely return.

By Rarely I mean Never.

I hadn’t realized it when they mentioned the place just exactly where it was. Or should I say, I didn’t realize that my last memory of the area was of that area. I didn’t connect the two until I started driving there.

I turned onto the road miles south of the intersection with the bar where we were meeting… and my memories started coming back to me.

I started to remember the last night I was on that road. How wonderful that last meeting with him was. His smile. The way he looked at me.

When I pulled onto this road, it was at the juncture that ended the night finally.. where he pulled south, and I turned north. So as I drove towards the bar, the memories became happier and more bittersweet.

I realized that I missed him. I cussed at him in my car for moving away. It was a half-assed cuss-out as I know he did what he had to do, and I’d never want to take his dreams away. But knowing that barely makes his absence more tolerable, nor does it really let me miss him less.

By the time I got to the intersection where the bar was located, I was a little overwhelmed with missing him. That intersection was the same intersection where we were stopped at the light, windows rolled down, and flirting. Even now when I think on it, I smile with watery eyes.

I pulled myself together though and made it to the bar composed. Ordered a beer and chatted as if I wasn’t being haunted by old memories.

As I drove home, I ended up stopped at the same light. In the same spot as I had been months ago. Finding myself wishing that he would pull up beside me, and make me laugh like he had before.

It was a bittersweet ride home. Filled with happy memories that I’d nearly forgotten, and saddened because he’s not here.


I’m A Hottie

I went out the other night to a networking event.. and there were several friends there of Hock and I.

Hock was not there.

I honestly didn’t think I’d bad mouth Hock. It wasn’t part of my plan. I honestly thought I’d stop at “We had a falling out.” or some other vague-ity… but people would ask if I was going to ____ event or “Hey you going to Hock’s party next week?” And the story of Hock & my official falling out.. just came flowing out of my mouth.

I ran into one of Hock’s friends that I’d met during the game.. and she was shocked at his behavior with me.

“That is so unlike him”

I told her I thought it was out of character as well, but its what happened and I just can’t overlook it. She agree and was adequately appalled at him on my behalf.

Then I ran into a mutual friend who had seen Hock and I making out that first night. She came over to chide me about it. Jokingly. She admitted that her and her husband had been married so long she was jealous of our hot make-out session. She went on to tell me what a cute couple we were, and the story of me and Hock came out like verbal vomit.

She interjected: “When I asked him about your make-out scene, he replied ‘oh the hottie’ so it wasn’t because he thinks you’re ugly.”

I guess I can take some comfort in that. Right?

I did get to see a couple of my crushes.. The married hottie.. *sigh* and the single one.

I’d not seen Pierce (the single one) in months. We’ve never said a whole lot to each other, but he’s always been friendly and somewhat flirtatious.. I think?  We’re both very shy neurotic semi-social-geeky people that well.. I honestly can’t tell if he’s flirting or if he’s just being friendly. .. However I’m just going to assume that he wants me.. and he wants me bad. 🙂

We saw each other across a very crowded room. I was making my rounds looking for familiar faces and possibly new people to meet, when I saw him. He saw me and his face changed into recognition and smiles. (I’m pretty sure mine also changed in the same way. I was overjoyed to see him.)

I made my way over.

He enveloped me in a hug and I melted. Neurosis knows neurosis. I’m comfortable with him.

Well comfortable except for the whole not knowing if we’re just friends.. or maybe? or who knows?

We said our hellos and talked about the past few months. What we’d each been doing, what’s new, what’s not, and so on.

I nervously thought he was trying to get away at one point. He moved closer to me, almost like he was trying to get past me… and I backed away to let him through. I realized my error when he then backed away to his original position.  I still don’t know what he was trying to do, but I was much too nervous to ask.

The conversation came to its natural end, and I couldn’t find anything even remotely interesting to prolong it.  Plus it was muggy and hot where we were, so I used the moment to excuse myself for cooler spaces.

That was the last I saw him that evening.

Love Your Neighbor

I swear this is my last post on the subject. I promise.

This weekend, I heard many stories about “Community” and how valuable it is, how adorable it is, and how much its cherished. I too agree. Community is a wonderful thing, and something I also experienced here among the Dating Bloggers until last Friday when suddenly I was kicked out without warning and for reasons that had nothing to do with me personally.

There are posts all over about respecting your fellow blogger and blogger family, as if those of us not in the “Community” are somehow lacking.

My community is about love and understanding. Its about freedom. Its supportive in agreement and disagreement. Its a family that can fight and still have each others backs, and welcomes others .. not shuts them out.

This is my community..

Below I’ve written what it is that I believe my community is about.. the standards that I believe a true community wanting to grow should be about.

My Online Ethics:

“I love my fellow onliners as people. I like to think that I treat them with kindness and respect and dignity. (I try.. no one is perfect)

I believe in free speech and will uphold anyone’s right to express their opinion or viewpoint even if I don’t agree with it. I also reserve the right to publicly disagree with anyone’s opinions or viewpoint.

I do not however believe that disagreement gives anyone the right to harass, name-call, personally insult, or use anyone’s private secrets against them (aka hitting below the belt). I reserve the right, and support others rights, to delete or ban or publicly call attention to anyone who is abusing their right to free speech in order to bring down another person or to cause another person strife or pain.

I will not actively pursue to shut down, harrass, or otherwise hurt another person’s livelihood or project. I will not join in anyone elses efforts to do so, nor encourage anyone to do so. I do not agree with bullying in any way, shape, or form.

I try to disagree when I disagree with as much tact and respect as possible. If I find myself continually in disagreement with an individual, I will stop following or stop reading their posts to minimize my contributions of negativity.

I do my best to be as equally free with praise as I am with disapproval, and strive to always find the best in everyone.

I will follow and unfollow people only based on my own experiences/perceptions of their content and behavior. I will not blindly follow anyone elses suggestions or give in to peer pressure. I will not demand that others follow or unfollow anyone or promote or not promote anyone in order to gain or remain in my friendship or following.

I will not ostracize or abandon friends who have shown me love, because they do not always agree with me.”

This is my definition of community. This is how I love.

How do you become part of my community? Say Hi. That’s a good place to start, and we’ll go from there.

Breach Of Trust

After the debacle on Friday, I strongly considered closing shop.

As it turns out there are 30+ bloggers in category Blogger B vs Blogger A.  Of those 30+ bloggers, I found out two of them were people I considered to be good friends.

So that I’d not received an invite or heads up or even consulted at all.. Hurt a lot.

Not to mention the numbers of other bloggers in their group.. which I didn’t know who was or wasn’t in the group.. and found myself wondering.. Who do I trust now?

I received several DM’s through Twitter of people showing me their support and agreeing with my post on Friday. I wondered if these people DM’d me out of fear that showing public support would adversely affect them. I know I wasn’t the only one hurt, distrustful, and a little scared.

I wondered throughout the weekend about “what if I say something negative about someone? will I be next?”  Because lord knows I cannot keep my mouth shut if I think someone’s talking a bunch of BS.

Then I found out that some private information that I’d given to people because I trusted them.. had been told to people I didn’t authorize..

The smoke coming out of my ears nearly set off the smoke alarm.

The amount of betrayal and whispering behind closed doors that I felt was going on.. I’d not experienced since High School, and is not something I ever want to experience again.

So I spent most of this weekend out.  If I was home, I’d think about my computer.. and this.. and I’d get upset. Being home was stifling.

I hung out with friends I’ve not seen in months. I drank vodka. I drank beer, and I even tried to kill myself off by eating fries that I was pretty sure I was allergic to.. They were damn good though.. until I got sick.

It honestly wasn’t until Sunday night.. after a very fun afternoon of beer drinking.. that I started to relax and put things into perspective.

As much as I’d love to be able to.. I can not control what other people do or say. I have to accept them for their choices, and move on to what is going to make me happy and what I can live with.

I can only be me.

So I’m back. A little worse for wear.. a little less trusting (I know, who’d have thought that possible?).. and with a little bit bigger middle finger.

I’ve got some juicy stories that I’ve yet to write up..  So don’t worry.. fun fun will be had here again…

Follow Friday Drama: Count Me Out

I’m a bad girl. I’ve been scolded. I’ve been unfollowed. I’ve been blocked and unblocked and reblocked again. In this activity, I have been told with whom I can and cannot be friends or suffer the same treatment.

For those of you not “in the know”, there is a major rift dividing the Dating Blogger world.  There are two people who do not get along (ok more than two, but there are essentially two sides) and for the purpose of this post.. I’ll call them Blogger A, and Blogger B.

They both have their reasons of why they are fighting, and each feels fully justified in their stances and behaviors.

Blogger A vehemently disagreed with Blogger B’s initial posts and attitude, and honestly Blogger A’s position was not unfounded.  Blogger A then decided that Blogger B needed correcting.

Blogger B has posted some great posts and some “OMG you have to be posting this just for the controversy” posts.  Blogger B’s initial posts and attitude even had myself thinking that Blogger B needed some education.  But over time Blogger B has grown to be an excellent dating blogger.

However, Blogger A’s initial “attack” on Blogger B, caused Blogger B to be hurt and wounded. And the fight escalated.

Both Bloggers have their benefits and their detriments. Both at one time or another, I’ve considered to be friends of mine.

Blogger A is not an easily likable person. Blogger A is often negative and judgmental in their approach to people and situations.  This makes for good reading, and good discussion. Blogger A has a great following of dedicated readers who love that no-bullshit approach. It’s actually one of the things that first drew me to Blogger A’s blog.  Plus the fact that Blogger A allows me to disagree without fear of retribution.

Blogger B is a very nice person and has grown to blog very nicely. Blogger B has a great perspective on dating and life, and their posts are always insightful. Blogger B has grown a good following based in their fresh perspective and flirty ways. Blogger B truely has a very sweet-heart personality once you get to know them.

I sort of understand Blogger A’s perspective on Blogger B, but yes I do think that an apology from Blogger A is needed.  But both sides have spread rumors and bad talked each other. No one is an angel here.

I also do not like being forced to choose a side. I’m no longer in HS. I no longer feel the need to deal with this.

I’ve known Blogger A almost since my “birth” here. Blogger A’s been nothing but nice to me. Blogger A has never lashed out at me for being friends with Blogger B. Blogger A did mention it once, but has not (to my knowledge) held it against me.

Blogger B and I are recent friends. We started rocky as I disagreed with Blogger B’s initial attitude and perspective. I got blocked and wasn’t told why. Then Blogger B’s attitude changed and I started liking what Blogger B was saying and posting. Through strange round about ways, Blogger B deemed me safe to talk to and unblocked me. The blocking it turned out had to do with my friendship with Blogger A.

Then today, I posted some #FF tweets. Including both of them in the same tweet.

I’m told I lost followers. Blogger B has unfollowed me again. (and to tell you the truth, it hurts every time someone blocks me. it shouldn’t, but it does.)

I am a peacemaker. I don’t like to be in the middle of fights, and will do my best to resolve the situation. I’ve tried, but it is no use.

So I’m done. I don’t do this politics crap.. I never have.

If you want to be my friend.. be my friend. I won’t be toyed with, or given ultimatums. I won’t let you dictate who I can and cannot associate with.  If you don’t like my friends, thats fine.. not everyone likes everyone.. I won’t require you to like them. I also won’t require you to drop a friend that happens to be an enemy of mine. (Hell I hung out with friends of Hock’s last night without a problem)

I either trust you as a friend or I don’t.  You either trust me as a friend or you don’t.

But I tell you both this.. Blogger A and Blogger B.. until you two can live as friends, I will not RT or Mention either of you on Twitter. I will not be publicly friends with either of you, as your fighting has now really hurt me.

Its days like today, that I am ashamed to be among the “Dating Bloggers”.

Luke Again

Luke and I have started chatting again.

It all started when he complained on FB about there only being crazy women. Of course, if you only think there are crazy women thats all you’ll find, but I didn’t tell him that. I know him well enough to know that he really does like crazy chicks. Since we have history, I suppose that admission might reflect badly on me, but then I’ve never professed to be the poster child for sanity.

We talked about dating, life, goals, etc. We had a good conversation. It was good to talk again and just be friendly. I remembered him and I as friends and it made me smile.

Of course, while we talked I entertained the idea of getting back together. Each topic we agreed on, I wondered more about if things might work if we tried again. Each topic we disagreed on, I reminded myself why we aren’t together.

I also started to remember the fire in him. How passionate he is. It was one of the things that first drew to me him. When he loves something, he loves it completely, protectively, and a little possessively. He will fight for it. Its a very attractive quality especially after my ex who was very passive about everything.

But with his fire comes demands. He’s rather black and white. Good and bad. Very little grey at all. Very little compromise. He talks in absolutes, and has trouble forgiving or seeing/understanding another viewpoint.

I however live in grey quite often. While I admire peoples firm hold onto beliefs, I do find rigidness constraining. I’m more apt to fight for the freedom for everyone, than I am to fight for my personal beliefs. I understand that what’s right for me, isn’t always right for everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all wishy washy either. I do have my beliefs and things I will fight for as well…

But there are things that he wants. He’s open and honest with his expectations of his future wife/lover, and they aren’t things I really want and I’m not sure I could be them.

I’m also realizing that I’m still adverse to making any kind of compromise or giving anything up to please a partner. I might could eventually, but those compromises have to be gradual and not “dealbreakers” if I never live up to it. In essence, I merely want to be accepted for who I am right now. Encouraged to be the best me I can be. Loved for who I am, and who I become.

We talked two nights in a row, several hours each night. He’d message me throughout the day with simple hellos and innocent flirts. It felt good. Like I had a new good friend, a potential lover.. there was an innocent hope but not well-thought out.. an idea, a hope, and unclear dream of possiblity.

Then he said he’d be interested in more, and asked me what I thought..

The dream suddenly died, and reality came crashing in. All his expectations hit me at once, I thought about having to fulfill them. It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn’t breathe, and my eyes started to fill with tears.

I told him it was too soon to tell. But in all honesty, I don’t see things working out. It would be great if they did. He would want to get married relatively soon and start a family together. He’d be a fantastic father, and possibly a great lover (if we can come to some compromises, I do know that the sex would never be boring).

But all I can see right now is feeling pressured to do things his way, and feeling compromised, trapped, and resentful. The things of which spousal murders are made.

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