No Need To Get High, I’m There Already

So I had this interesting conversation with a guy friend the other day, and as it turns out he might be a pothead.

Once upon a time when I was just a young innocent girl (yes I know it’s hard to believe now, shhh) this revelation would have shocked me, and I’d have backed away like he said he had lice and offered me some.

Anymore though.. especially with living in Austin like I do.. it was like he said he likes to go Kayaking or White Water rafting. Two things that I don’t do and have never done, but I can sort of relate to.. sort of.

I mean I’ve been in water. I’ve been tubing. I’ve rowed a canoe and a rowboat. I can extrapolate. I’m good like that. And I’m relatively certain that my exuberance level at rowing a canoe while the other occupants were trying to tip it mid-stream probably directly correlates to the excitement of white water rapids for others. (If I’ve not mentioned my fear of water with fish in it before, please insert that context into here.) Let’s just leave out my experience with tubing while being chased by a water moccasin. They were exciting adventures. Thrilling. and semi-death defying (shut up they were too).

But back to the chat about Mary-Jo-Wanna…

I’m honestly not sure how we got to talking about it. But we started to talk about getting high and had I experienced it.

Most of my life, though I was pretty much a goody-two-shoes.. still kinda am, people often looked at me like I was.. well.. high. I related well with potheads. It wasn’t until a few years ago, that I really figured out why. And this conversation with my friend only cemented this theory for me.

See as my friend and I talked about getting high on pot, the more he explained.. the more I explained about my experiences with being “high”…

FYI… I’ve never smoked pot. Just in case you were worried. I did get a second hand high once, that was enough.. thanks.

Anyway.. the more I realized that I didn’t need Mary-Jo.

See, I get high with certain allergic reactions. (I know crazy right?) Just ask my friends. They’ve seen it. One minute I’m all fluent in English and having logical thought patterns.. the next I’m.

well.. I’m..

“Trapped in body with a broken babblefish”

And everything you say sounds like “Waaaaa Waaaaa Waaaa” (yes the Charlie Brown parents’ speak).

The world gets a little unsteady, movement feels quite like an amusement park ride, and I turn into bonafide “stupid”.. I seriously have trouble remembering my name.

I even sometimes get the munchies later.

So I don’t need no Mary-Jo.. I can get my high cheap, legally… well of course a little death defying..

Which is why I avoid it.

PS: That one time I did get second hand Mary-Jo high.. Scared the ever-loving crap out of me, I thought I was having an allergic reaction. Fortunately, no.. it just rendered me uncoordinated and a moron for a few hours. Phew.

Wishfully Wrong

I may have been wrong.

Maybe.

It’s really hard to say because I am so very often right (really I’m not full of myself or anything), so this is completely new to me… its really hard to say.

But ..

He thought of me today.

It wasn’t one of those “Hey sweety, I was thinking of you” sort of messages. But he saw something that reminded him of a conversation we had, and sent me a link to update me on it. Aka “Saw this, thought you’d find it interesting [link to article about what we’d talked about]”

Guys.. if you really want to win a girl.. and have a relationship.. shit like that will get you everywhere.

Remembering random things that she’s said from previous conversations.. for example this particular thing was from a conversation that happened about a week ago… and giving her more information on that topic or asking her input on a link about that subject..

If she likes you at all.. she’s going to swoon. It shows that you do listen to her, but not only that.. you listened to the point that when you saw that topic again, you not only had a passing thought of her, but had a strong enough thought of her to go out of your way to tell her about the topic or inform her on something you thought she might care about based on that conversation.

So.. right now I’m swooning a bit. Ok, I’m swooning a lot.

So.. maybe I was wrong.. maybe he does like me?

Or maybe he just really happened across something, and figured as a friend I needed to know?

I’m just going to go with… he likes me. Because a little delusional hopeful thinking never hurt anyone.. right?

Plus.. I rock. How could he not?

Indulging My Inner Sadist

There is one day a month where I am quite clearly not normal. On this lovely day, I have a huge undercurrent of angry. I might be able to smile and put on a good show, but more than likely if you hit any of my buttons, I will attempt to take your head off and put it in my pocket as a souvenir.

Every girl has this day.. some have more than one.. some have a week.. some have just a couple hours.. but every girl has this day.

Where the pain only subsides with doses of medication. The hormones run free like the niagra falls. And men suddenly lose their humanity and become beings to enslave and torture.

Or that could just be me.

I have one day a month where I get mentally violent. If I had no will-power, no conscience, no ethics, no religious belief, no rationality, and no fear of being locked away… this one day a month, people would die, people would be tortured and maimed.. it would be carnage.. carnage everywhere!

Ok maybe not everywhere.. I’m generally in enough pain that moving outside of my bedroom for the first few hours takes an act of God. So probably would just be carnage in the bedroom.

Fortunately for us all, I do have powerful doses of empathy, rationality, and conscience. As such I keep murderous and sadistic tendancies to my imagination.

Thus I am mentally violent. This sometimes comes out in my writing as violent wording and sometimes plain threats of violence as well. I also tend to love to say “Bastard” and “Asshole” about everything and anything that may go wrong.

If you’re a man in a relationship with me, trust me.. that one day a month is spent picturing myself sadistically torturing your privates so you get to feel like I do once a month. I probably won’t tell you that, because it’ll scare the crap out of you and make you want to alert the FBI to watch my place for furture murders.

While I say a day.. its generally just 6 hours.

During these 6 hours, I will be bitchy. I will push people away. I will hermit. If you’re sweet, you’ll want to help me by bringing me things or getting me some pills.. and while I’ll secretly love it, I will also grumble and quite likely to tell you to F off.

This is for your own safety. Remember, I am likely picturing myself kicking you in the balls despite the fact that I may love you or care for you deeply. It is because of that that I will want you far far away from me.. so I don’t actually kick you in the balls.

(Because when all this is over, I’ll still want you to come around… and I’ll be happy that I didn’t maim you.)

I will also give you a heads up warning.. “Hey honey, its started.” You will learn these words are a signal to make yourself scarce. At first, you’ll try..but eventually you’ll just start running. I won’t blame you for that. However, you will share half the blame for anything that occurs if you stay around.

You were warned after all.

So if you want to avoid being maimed and tortured, run away and then send flowers from wherever you are. I’ll text you when its safe to return.. I mean if I want you to come back. 😉

Going Back In Time

This weekend has been full of nostalgic activities.. its actually been a couple weeks now of nostalgia if you count my trip back to the “homeland”.

I relaxed and read a book. I had to think hard to recall the last book I read. I was going to say that it was years ago.. but then I remembered I read the Twilight series.. which was my last fun reading before now. Last fall I vaguely recall torturing myself with Frankenstien (Mary Shelley) because I felt obligated to host a book club meeting for a friend.

As a child, I used to read all the time. It was the one thing I could do on my own (I was allowed to go to the library by myself – small town) as often as I wanted, without getting yelled at by my mother. I remember reading the entire series of the Hardy Boys in one summer. This in the days before reading programs. I’d have rocked a summer reading program. Even up until HS, I always had a book I was reading.

I like reading books in one sitting. I am not so happy (understatement) about having to put up a book to do something else before I’m finished reading it. I’ve also been known not to answer phone calls or text messages when I’m in the middle of a book. Funny enough my best friend is the same way, though she’ll answer you she’ll just be massively rude until you hang up and let her back at her book.

I read “Odd Thomas” which has been sitting on my To-Do Reading List for so long that I had to dust it off to read it. It was a good read, but most of all… it was just good to finish a book. I love that feeling. Finishing a Book.

Once the book was finished.. I debating what else to do. There’s nothing currently on TV and I’m way too broke to actually do anything.

Anyway, one thing lead to another.. I blame Holly actually, since she’d mentioned it the night previous to me starting again..

I logged into my MUD.

For those of you unaware of any kind of internet prior to 1998 or so.. Way back when, there used to be a method of internet use that wasn’t web based. People used to connect directly to other peoples computers or host computers to get their information, chat, meet others.. they used a now little known method called Telnet. Through Telnet, which is entirely 100% text and text graphics, there were “worlds” you could visit if you only knew where to go. Some were games. Some were completely social. Some were raunchy. Some were pristine. If you searched long enough, you could find one that fit you.

MUDs were just one of the Telnet activities and the one that I adhered to most. MUDs are games. Comparibly a text-based ancient version of World of Warcraft. Some MUDs you got to choose what kind of being you were.. elves, gremlins, warlocks, vampires, fairy, ewok, humanoid.. basically for any kind of creature/theme you wanted to play there was a game for it. Some were games that would allow you to kill other players and fight each other to gain levels, others were more peaceful games that encouraged people to join together to kill “monsters”.

In the good MUDs.. the ones that still to this day are running.. they built community. Not only would people play together online, but they’d play together long enough that they’d become friends and want to meet outside the game.

This was what brought me in and got me addicted to my MUD.

Community.

In all honesty, what started me on this mud was a very very nice English guy who took me under his wing my first day and aquired for me all the tools I’d need to get started. He was strong and sexy, and I came back to that MUD for months just looking to find him again. I never did.

But while I was waiting in vain for him to show up, I met others in the game. I began to play and get to know this whole new world of people outside my prison of Nebraska. Months passed. Years passed.

From 1992.. til around 2000.. anyone who got even remotely close to me.. I tried to corrupt them by getting them also into the game. I managed to corrupt a few. 🙂

The game was its own society. It still is. My “fraternity” or “sorority” so to speak. Other than just playing a silly game, we all would meet together. Spend weekends out “camping” (our word for a tent, food, booze, and possibly sex). (I actually lost my virginity to someone I met on this game)

This community has massive amounts of smart people.. a few idiots.. a few crazies.. a few mean people.. a few super nice people.. but there is one thing we have in common.. We have each other’s backs against the outside world.

Like family, I can make fun of them all I damn well want to.. we can call each other names, hurt each other, help each other.. fight… make up.. whatever.. But if the outside world harms one of us, we’re all pretty much out for blood. Crazy or not.. friendly or not.. We protect our own.

Actually right now on my MUD, half of them are helping one of them fix their computer problem, while also giving advice on new products and what pitfalls to avoid.

It was something I’d forgotten in the last few years. My ex did not like the game or any of the people in the community really. So when I married him, I found myself drifting from it.

But I logged back in this weekend. Old faces (aka familiar text on a screen) were around and people just laughing and having fun. We’d chat about our days (kinda like people do on Twitter) and complain about mutual woes (why’d they change this in the game… why won’t they change that). I’d reconnected with a few old friends and it felt like I’d never left. Well.. with the exception that they’re now superhuman levels and I’m still where I was.. but honestly that wasn’t that unusual back then either.

So I’m back to being addicted to this game.. but its more than a game.. its my facebook before Facebook.. my twitter before Twitter.. its another world, where my family lives together… despite all of us being thousands of miles apart.

Covering Some Urban (Dating) Legends

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… or as a tshirt I saw the other day “Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder”

Either way, beauty is subjective. So is attraction. So is everything else that comes along with dating.

Who is fat vs thin?

Who is smart vs stupid?

Who is funny?

Who knows how to party?

All of these are subjective, especially when it comes to dating.

Women want a nicely sculpted man.

If you ask nearly any woman, a man with chiseled features, an inshape body, 6 pack of abs… is pretty darn sexy.

However, if you look at the guys that women build relationships with.. most of those aren’t the guys that spend all their time at the gym.  Actually, some of them probably don’t even see a gym on their way to get beer.

Because as superficial as we women can be.. when it comes to picking a mate.. we’re more about the inside than we are about the outside.

That doesn’t mean that a well sculpted male body won’t turn our heads.. it just doesn’t activate our hearts.

Just as being funny doesn’t mean we’ll want to be around you more than once, or that you can programme our computer means we’ll want you to stick around. Even the life of the party has its flaws that will get us to boot you out.

If you can manage to have a well defined (not super human) body, and still be well-rounded, mentally stable, fun, intelligent, patient, and understanding.. You’ll be the catch of the day.  But in the real world, no one body type is going to catch every woman.

For each person there is a different criteria, and different priorities.  There are too many variables.

Women Want A Nice Guy

Uh.. define nice.  I tackled this a few months ago, as I don’t really believe in the “nice guy”.  Its honestly one of the things that guys describe themselves as and I tune out.  I’ve gotten much more hurt (or just found them to be insane) by a self-proclaimed “nice guy” than I have by anyone else.

Most guys who claim to be nice.. in essence are ball-less bastards who make dating more confusing, more deceptive, and less “stable” than their brazenly evil counterparts.

Women want a man who is nice to them. This means he doesn’t keep things from her. He doesn’t just let her run all over him. He is an entity of himself where she fits well with him. He is loyal, trusthworthy, honest, loving, and someone she can lean on… and honestly someone she can fight with without fear of bodily harm, and some hope of being heard.

Women Crave Stability

I’d say yes, yes, yes  we do.  However, we don’t like to be bored to death.  While dating the proverbial accountant with decent $$ sounds promising, and there is a time in every woman’s life where they consider snagging some boring rich bastard just for the security and stability..  There always comes a point where too much is enough.

We like waking up and knowing who is beside us. We like knowing that that person will choose to be with us day after day after day. We like having a life where we’re not constantly wondering what terror tomorrow will bring.

However, we also like to grow, learn, experience.  So we like trying new things, or going new places, or throwing caution to the wind now and then.  We like a little bit of a challenge to keep us moving forward.

But we also only really feel confident to throw caution to the wind once we have a minimal level of stability under us. For every person this is different.  Some people feel great throwing caution to the wind with just a little bit… others need much much more.

More to the story..

And with every bit of evidence of proving or disproving Urban Dating Legends.. theres also more things to consider that can change anyone from a “YES” to a “Oh God No”..

Unmarried vs Divorced (Past History)

Republican vs Democrat (Politics)

Kids vs No Kids (Thoughts on Children)

Parenting Styles (Methods of Raising Children)

Vegan vs Meat Eater (Food)

Animal Lovers vs I hate your pets (Pets)

Age

Race

Cultural Conflicts

The list goes on.  So even if you do everything RIGHT… that particular relationship can be all sorts of WRONG for you. They may just realize this first, and may make it look like.. an Urban Legend.. when in reality they just can’t handle watching you eat peas.

Sail Away With Me… Not

So I went and hung out with some friends last weekend. They were all gathering at a place I think of as my “Cheers”, despite that I don’t make it down there every day and don’t know most of the staff. I just feel homey when I’m there.

The Gingerman

I honestly really needed a “Gingerman” trip anyway. It’d been a while since I’d been there, and the need for beer was strong. If the Gingerman was closer to me, I might actually have a chance of becoming that alcoholic that I keep trying and failing to be. Though I even doubt that one as I’ve a fridge with cold beer and several bottles of hard liquor that I’m always forgetting to drink. I even have my favorite vodka (Armadale) sitting right beside my computer, and like eating.. I forget to drink it.

It’s actually pretty amazing that I remember to post blog posts or even manage to get through writing a blog post. Yes, my attention span is that f’d up. Ooooo pretty…

Oh yes.. back to the Gingerman..

I arrive. Late. As usual. But not so late to miss the entire party, just enough that I’m a drink or two behind everyone else. A true alcoholic would have arrived early to drink more.. damn it..

Anyway, my friends see me and act like I’m some sort of mirage. Have I mentioned that I’ve not seen most of them in months? It takes them a minute but..

I got flack.

“Where have you been? Don’t tell me you have friends other than us!” Don lectured me jokingly as he came over to give me a big hug.

He was then followed by a couple girls that I pretend to be friends with, but in reality barely know. They’re great girls and a lot of fun .. at least while at the bar.. but I just don’t see us clicking without a beer in hand and mutual male friends to distract us. Let alone a girls-night. Call me paranoid, but I honestly think if we went to a bar just us girls to hang out.. I’d have blade marks all over my back.

But I made nice, and acted all happy to see them. It was good to see familiar faces and have people that were interested in me.. so it wasn’t an entire act I guess. They wanted to catch up on everything I’ve been doing lately… which honestly is nothing of any interest anyone.

Would you like to know about my experiment with maple syrup vs brown sugar syrup on pancakes?  Or maybe all the interesting job offers I’m getting for things that either will put me in jail or make me homicidal so I end up in jail?

So I answered their questions to the best of ability, and they drifted off to other people.

Don however stuck around. He wanted more details and wasn’t going to give up until I told him everything.  So I did. About me being sick and not wanting to socialize, about the job hunt which is going miserably, and about anything else that came to mind.

Then I saw Karl. Karl is an older gentleman. He’s normally quiet, polite, somewhat shy, a little aloof but social, and always in the best manners (reserved).  So what happened made my head spin a little.

I see Karl talking to a very hot man whom I’ve never seen before. I catch Karl out of the corner of my eye pointing in my direction and commenting to the guy next to him.

“I saw that!” I exclaim to Karl pretending to be offended/suspicious, then turn to his friend. “What is he selling you on now? Don’t trust a word of it!” I say as I smile widely.

Karl completely denies pointing as a child does who got caught eating chocolate and denies it with chocolate all over his face.

I then start to walk away to say hi to a few other people, when Karl grabs my arm.

“You can’t leave.”

“Whaa?”

“You can’t leave. You have to stay here.”

This is unlike Karl. Most times Karl just lets me flitter wherever I want. Never has he ever tried to entangle me in a conversation.

So I figured he had something to say to me.

Nope. He just wanted me to stand there next to him as he talked with the hot guy.

I of course had other plans. The guy was hot and all, but a little shorter than I like, and I’m not really that into dating right now.  So I wanted to say hi to my friends before they left.

I started to leave again..

And again Karl stopped me. It was then I realized that Karl was drunk. I’d never seen Karl drunk.. but he was.  And it was funny.

He was joking with me.. in annoying ways.. that make me laugh. His antics were also making the hot guy laugh.. though he was in fairness laughing at me and my inability to get away politely.

Finally Karl let me escape, and I went to say Hi to more of my friends.  I also learned that I do not post on Facebook very much, and that people would have been concerned that I’d died had I completely stopped posting on Facebook. Evidently, my weekly posts on Facebook have saved me from being the subject of a 911 call.

Obviously, I need to go out more often.

So I go get more beer and flirt with Mr Hot Bartender (seriously wanna try that on for size).

It was hot outside, cool inside, and everyone was standing in the middle between the outside and inside which was part hot, and part lukewarm. I’d already said my hellos, and tired of being hot, I sat myself and my cold beer down on a couch nearby where there was no one sitting.

Ah.. peace, quiet, cool drink and air conditioning…

Then the hot guy came to sit across from me to talk.

It was idle chitchat to start. How long have I know these friends.. how often do we all hang out.. etc and so on.

Then he started to tell me about himself.  About his condo downtown, and his other house in Boston.

Is it just me, or? … when a guy says that he has two residences and claims to be single… does anyone else just tune out?

It seems to be a theme with me lately. Meeting men who obviously want me to think or know they have money.

For me, all I need to know is that you’re financially stable. If you’re trying to tell me you’ve make $300k a year, you’ve obviously misjudged my priorities.  However if you’ve got big bucks, and I know it without you telling me, you’re generous without flaunting it.. I might start stalking you. Its all about the character baby.

He was a nice guy, and despite his double houses .. I might have given him a chance.. but he also really really likes boating and sailing.

Me + Water (with fish in it) is a non-starter. Not going to happen. Unless your boat is the size of a small island, don’t be trying to picture us “sailing away” any day soon.

Then people saw us sitting down and talking. Don, in his own flirting enthusiastic way, plopped down next to me in a way that can only be described accurately as an ex-boyfriend move.. and the hot guy’s eyes reacted as if “Oh you have a boyfriend”… which made me laugh. Had I not already ruled Hot guy out as a potential date, I might have been a little upset with Don.  As it was I joked around with Don, and introduced him to the hot guy.  Then one by one everyone joined the couches and conversations.

Hot guy stayed and talked with everyone for awhile. Don then ran off to another side of the bar.  Then Hot guy saw Don flirting outrageously with one of our mutual friends, and he commented.  I replied thats just Don he’s kinda the group flirt or party person.  His eyes then changed in understanding again, realizing that Don and I weren’t dating. (Silly men)

Hot guy shortly after got up for another beer. Never to be seen again.

Oh well.

Haunted By Old Memories

Last night I was out with some friends, and they decided to all meet up for an after-party at a place that I never go to. Its an area of town that I used to know well when I first moved to Austin, but since I moved out of that area, I rarely return.

By Rarely I mean Never.

I hadn’t realized it when they mentioned the place just exactly where it was. Or should I say, I didn’t realize that my last memory of the area was of that area. I didn’t connect the two until I started driving there.

I turned onto the road miles south of the intersection with the bar where we were meeting… and my memories started coming back to me.

I started to remember the last night I was on that road. How wonderful that last meeting with him was. His smile. The way he looked at me.

When I pulled onto this road, it was at the juncture that ended the night finally.. where he pulled south, and I turned north. So as I drove towards the bar, the memories became happier and more bittersweet.

I realized that I missed him. I cussed at him in my car for moving away. It was a half-assed cuss-out as I know he did what he had to do, and I’d never want to take his dreams away. But knowing that barely makes his absence more tolerable, nor does it really let me miss him less.

By the time I got to the intersection where the bar was located, I was a little overwhelmed with missing him. That intersection was the same intersection where we were stopped at the light, windows rolled down, and flirting. Even now when I think on it, I smile with watery eyes.

I pulled myself together though and made it to the bar composed. Ordered a beer and chatted as if I wasn’t being haunted by old memories.

As I drove home, I ended up stopped at the same light. In the same spot as I had been months ago. Finding myself wishing that he would pull up beside me, and make me laugh like he had before.

It was a bittersweet ride home. Filled with happy memories that I’d nearly forgotten, and saddened because he’s not here.


Love Your Neighbor

I swear this is my last post on the subject. I promise.

This weekend, I heard many stories about “Community” and how valuable it is, how adorable it is, and how much its cherished. I too agree. Community is a wonderful thing, and something I also experienced here among the Dating Bloggers until last Friday when suddenly I was kicked out without warning and for reasons that had nothing to do with me personally.

There are posts all over about respecting your fellow blogger and blogger family, as if those of us not in the “Community” are somehow lacking.

My community is about love and understanding. Its about freedom. Its supportive in agreement and disagreement. Its a family that can fight and still have each others backs, and welcomes others .. not shuts them out.

This is my community..

Below I’ve written what it is that I believe my community is about.. the standards that I believe a true community wanting to grow should be about.

My Online Ethics:

“I love my fellow onliners as people. I like to think that I treat them with kindness and respect and dignity. (I try.. no one is perfect)

I believe in free speech and will uphold anyone’s right to express their opinion or viewpoint even if I don’t agree with it. I also reserve the right to publicly disagree with anyone’s opinions or viewpoint.

I do not however believe that disagreement gives anyone the right to harass, name-call, personally insult, or use anyone’s private secrets against them (aka hitting below the belt). I reserve the right, and support others rights, to delete or ban or publicly call attention to anyone who is abusing their right to free speech in order to bring down another person or to cause another person strife or pain.

I will not actively pursue to shut down, harrass, or otherwise hurt another person’s livelihood or project. I will not join in anyone elses efforts to do so, nor encourage anyone to do so. I do not agree with bullying in any way, shape, or form.

I try to disagree when I disagree with as much tact and respect as possible. If I find myself continually in disagreement with an individual, I will stop following or stop reading their posts to minimize my contributions of negativity.

I do my best to be as equally free with praise as I am with disapproval, and strive to always find the best in everyone.

I will follow and unfollow people only based on my own experiences/perceptions of their content and behavior. I will not blindly follow anyone elses suggestions or give in to peer pressure. I will not demand that others follow or unfollow anyone or promote or not promote anyone in order to gain or remain in my friendship or following.

I will not ostracize or abandon friends who have shown me love, because they do not always agree with me.”

This is my definition of community. This is how I love.

How do you become part of my community? Say Hi. That’s a good place to start, and we’ll go from there.

Breach Of Trust

After the debacle on Friday, I strongly considered closing shop.

As it turns out there are 30+ bloggers in category Blogger B vs Blogger A.  Of those 30+ bloggers, I found out two of them were people I considered to be good friends.

So that I’d not received an invite or heads up or even consulted at all.. Hurt a lot.

Not to mention the numbers of other bloggers in their group.. which I didn’t know who was or wasn’t in the group.. and found myself wondering.. Who do I trust now?

I received several DM’s through Twitter of people showing me their support and agreeing with my post on Friday. I wondered if these people DM’d me out of fear that showing public support would adversely affect them. I know I wasn’t the only one hurt, distrustful, and a little scared.

I wondered throughout the weekend about “what if I say something negative about someone? will I be next?”  Because lord knows I cannot keep my mouth shut if I think someone’s talking a bunch of BS.

Then I found out that some private information that I’d given to people because I trusted them.. had been told to people I didn’t authorize..

The smoke coming out of my ears nearly set off the smoke alarm.

The amount of betrayal and whispering behind closed doors that I felt was going on.. I’d not experienced since High School, and is not something I ever want to experience again.

So I spent most of this weekend out.  If I was home, I’d think about my computer.. and this.. and I’d get upset. Being home was stifling.

I hung out with friends I’ve not seen in months. I drank vodka. I drank beer, and I even tried to kill myself off by eating fries that I was pretty sure I was allergic to.. They were damn good though.. until I got sick.

It honestly wasn’t until Sunday night.. after a very fun afternoon of beer drinking.. that I started to relax and put things into perspective.

As much as I’d love to be able to.. I can not control what other people do or say. I have to accept them for their choices, and move on to what is going to make me happy and what I can live with.

I can only be me.

So I’m back. A little worse for wear.. a little less trusting (I know, who’d have thought that possible?).. and with a little bit bigger middle finger.

I’ve got some juicy stories that I’ve yet to write up..  So don’t worry.. fun fun will be had here again…

Gimme A Naked Man

So I went out last night. It was a friend’s birthday party, Crissy, and so it was an obligation as well as I needed to get out.

I’d love to pretend for you all that I’ve not written because I’ve been extremely busy dating and going out and meeting people, but that would be lies.  Instead, I’ve been battling some very painful sickness, which at one point had me seriously considering suicide. I know, scared the hell out of me too.  So I’ve not really been out much at all, and have been hermitting to a point of extremely scary. When you’re sick, you just don’t feel social unless you’re one of those girls that likes people to feel sorry for her and bring her soup and fluff her pillows. I’m much too independant for that. My arm could be cut off and I’d still want to do the tournequet myself. You actually know I’m desperately ill (aka get worried) when I actually request help or let you do things for me.

So I’ve not been social lately, partly because I didn’t want to, and partly because I didn’t want people to see me like that. Yes, I have my vanity. So I haven’t had much to write about or much want to write really.

But I’ve been feeling a little better, and for the last few days, had an extreme need to go out and be social… if nothing else have a drink.

So I went to Chrissy’s birthday bash. I get there just in time to see Chrissy in a conga line with several others. Yeah, it was gunna be a good night baby!

There were about 20-30 people there as part of Chrissy’s group and I met maybe 10 of them. A few of the girls I knew from before and were ok, but a couple of the new girls.. well.. lets say wow. (yes, thats not a good wow)

So the “cool” people were all hanging out and catching up on each others lives. Whats new.. whats old.. and Ooo did you hear.. While listening to music, doing a jig, and drinking.

We then moved the party over to the karaoke room. A few of us gathering at tables to watch the show. We’re joking and laughing and parts of the party were staying for a few then leaving then coming and leaving..

Then this attractive man shows up. Sees me. Smiles, and comes over jokes with me and sits down next to me.

He’s dressed well, showing he has some taste other than tshirts and jeans, but not dressed well enough to set off my douchebag sensors.

For Chrissy’s birthday, someone had given her a small leather flogger. Getty was holding it and playing with it next to me and Wade (the attractive man next to me).

Seriously, introduce a flogger to a group of drunk people and you’ll never look at any of them the same way again. I promise.

I teased Getty about her being a masochist since she kept hitting herself with it (not hard, just tapping it against her side), and she informed me that she had one at home. Boggle. Though I really should not be surprised, I was.

I do not have a flogger yet, but I assure you I will soon.

So Wade jumps in the conversation, half teasing Getty, but full on flirting with me. After my month or more of hermitville, I was surprised and flattered, and more than willing to flirt back.

This broke out my evil side. Most people don’t realize (at least right away) that I am truely evil. Sure sure, I may sound and look a little too reserved or be a little too goody goody.. but I am all about encouraging others to do things they shouldn’t.

Wade watched in amusement as I prodded Getty into using the flogger more seriously, and on other people. Random men walking by.. “Oh he looks like he’s been a very bad boy.. Getty, you know he needs a little spanking..”

The evil glimmer in my eye was sparkling brightly and Wade was eating it up. Then I turned Getty on him. Telling him that he looked like he needed a little something, that he wanted to be spanked. I even teased that I could do it properly.

He squirmed in his chair and discouraged Getty and pleaded with me to stop encouraging her. I just grinned evilly, and winked at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m evil. I can’t help it. And you do look like you’re in need of it.”

He flashed me a smile, and a look that said “If only I could put you over my knee.”

Then Mr. DrunkenPants happened, and Getty went to help him. He was supposedly part of our group. He was about 30? and so drunk that he was nauseated.

This interupted our sexy banter, but also left Wade and I alone to talk. The song turned country, and I mentioned to Wade that I found it strange how much of the karaoke picks were country music. (Most Austin karaoke seems to be rock btw) He responded that he liked country music and asked what I liked. I flirtingly responded that I liked a bit of everything.

I told him that I grew up on country music (I did) and had a bit of nostalgic love for it. He wanted to know what kind. The old twang or the new more rock-like country. I said both, and told him about my college years going to country bars to dance two-step.

He heard two-step, and insisted that I go dance with him. There was no saying no (Seriously sexy),  despite my pleading that I did not have dancing shoes on. I had on purpose worn flipflops that would make dancing difficult so I wouldn’t be tempted to go club dance with Chrissy and injure my knees. I didn’t expect anyone showing up to like to country dance.  Next time I’ll know better.

So he whisks me off to the dance floor. I’m stepping on toes and having trouble following.

1. because I’m rusty with my two-step.

2. the song was two-step in double time (like two-step on fast forward)

3. I’m concentrating on not losing my shoes.

But I managed to pull it off, and we had a great dance.

As we walked off the dance floor, he held my hand, moving his fingers to interlace with mine. I did not want to return to our group. I was all “take me home now buddy”. (yeah its been a while since I’ve had sex, stop judging me) 🙂

As we get a few feet off the dance floor, we both seem to realize that we’ve just met and realize we’re holding hands, fingers interlaced, and we stop holding hands. It was one of those moments.. like being drunk in a dark bar and kissing someone, and then when they turn the lights on to go home, you realize just how much you’re in public.

We walked back to the group together. Talking and flirting. When we’d returned, Getty shot me a look like “you go girl”… then drunk girl happened.

This girl who honestly looked trashy, was drunk and Getty had witnessed her doing a full on makeout session in the other room with some guy, returned to our group and latched herself onto Wade pushing me away. Wade looked at me pleadingly to help him.

I tried, but she would not be swayed. She was quite intent on owning Wade, and he was nicely trying to extract her. The more I tried, the more closely she clung. Wade all the while appologizing to me, and complaining about her.

It was then that I was informed that our group was being kicked out because Mr. DrunkenPants had puked on the floor. (Seriously, it was like college deja vu)

We were all meeting at another place. A strip joint.

I’d been warned about this prior to going to the party that the night would end at a local strip joint. Since I’d never been to one before, I decided it might be a good time to go check it out.

Wade was being responsible and trying to arrange rides for those who were too drunk to drive. Since I was stone cold sober, I offered my services. Mostly I offered them because I didn’t want drunkgirl trying to go with him in his car, and partly because I was hoping that he’d take up the offer himself. He unfortunately was completely sober too, but he did jump on my offer to take drunkgirl. He was very consistent in his not wanting to be with her.

So after what seemed like hours of trying to manipulate drunk people.. drunkgirl got in my car (put there by Wade himself) and Getty drove the Mr Drunkenpants car to his place about a mile away and I was to pick her up there.

As I take off, Drunkgirl starts telling me about Wade, revealing to me that she and Wade are good friends. She and Mr DrunkenPants are also good friends. It was myself and Getty that were the new people to the group.

At this news, I was no longer very happy with Wade. If she was really his friend, it was his responsiblity to take her drunk ass home.. not mine. The more she talked, the more I realized. I am quite certain that Wade and her are FWB friends, and his displeasure stemmed less from revulsion of her and more of being pissed that she’d f’d things up for him with anyone else.

I really try not to judge people, but I fail all the time. After seeing this girl, I’m not sure I want any penis that’s been near her to be anywhere near me. I’m quite sure Wade has no idea what hill he’ll have to climb to get back on my good side. He may even need a full delousing as well as a note from his doctor.

Drunkgirl also entertains me with stories about how she’s not that drunk, despite claiming that she doesn’t know where she lives, and that she walks like the world is tilting from side to side. She was dressed in clothes that were obviously too small for her that made me wonder what industrial strength thread was holding up the seams. She tells me got divorced 3 yrs ago as proof that this is just a one time thing, an emotional release. I refrain from telling her that my ex left me a litttle over a year ago, and I just signed papers letting him sell the house so him and his girlfriend can go buy a new lovenest closer to the city.

She repeats that she’s not that drunk. At least 20 times on the way to pick up Getty.

At Mr DrunkenPant’s place, Getty is still trying to pry him out of his car. She’s being too damn nice, I think, but thats Getty.  So I get out and tell Drunkgirl to get out and help her friend into his house. She doesn’t move.

I am by this point lividly pissed at the entire situation.

Mr. DrunkenPant’s is complaining about me that he doesn’t know me or Getty. (Dear Mr. DrunkenPants, When getting drunk, make sure you have at least one friend who’ll drive you home. And don’t complain about the niceness of strangers. Thanks)  So I go get Drunkgirl and tell her that her friend is complaining that he doesn’t know us and I point blank tell her to get her ass out of my car and help him.

She does. Finally.

She leads Mr. DrunkenPants to his bathroom, and I try to snag Getty to get her to leave with me so we can ditch both of them there. Getty insists she needs to obey Mr DrunkenPant’s wishes and calls the place where his daughter is staying asking them to keep her overnight. (Its midnight, I think they’ve already figured that out. But she calls anyway.)

So as soon she can, Drunkengirl runs back out to my car and plants herself in it. No choice but to take her with us.

We finally take off to go to the Cabaret, and half the ride there Drunkgirl is telling us she’s not that drunk, and that she’s a responsible person. I stop myself from telling her she’s overselling it.  She then gets out her phone and calls Wade. (Yes they are good friends. Asshole.) She then proceeds to bitch out Wade for putting her in a car with strangers.

I correct her “No no.. we’re strange bitches.”

She tells him, and continues on her rant calling us strangers and how dare he…

I correct her again.. “No no.. we are psychotic crazy women”

She tells him that exactly. (Hey I have to get some fun out of this)

We arrive at the Cabaret and she’s still on the phone with him. She doesn’t exit the car.

“Please get out of my car so I can lock it.”

She grumbles and gets out. I lock the car and run off toward the entrance with Getty. Drunkengirl follows, but never actually enters the establishment.

We presume she doesn’t have the $10 cover.

Due to all the shenanigans, Getty and I are late and we’ve lost half the party. Wade is no where to be seen, so I can’t even bitch at him myself.

So Getty and I find our own corner and sit down. I watch the show trying to simmer down and have fun. This is my first time at a strip club, so I wanted to relax and watch and see what all the commotion is about.

What I’m seeing is a combination of gymnastics, high heels, and no clothes.. plus a few moves you can see on any club dance floor anywhere.  A couple girls were talented and impressive, but most were merely flexible girls showing their goods. B O R I N G.

Now I might be more entertained had there been a couple nearly naked men doing it, but if I want to see tities shake I can do that in my mirror at home. Thats at least more fun because I can challenge myself to get them to shake in different ways or do different things.. But there was no challenge and no fun to be had.

It didn’t help any that I was tired I’m sure.

Getty however was all into it. I really think she’s gay (for more reasons than just this btw), but she has to realize that herself. She was oohing and ahhing over the girls.. or at least some girls.. and even got a lap dance. Even though the lap dance was happening right next to me, I got distracted by the lights or something, because I only saw a bit of it and then when I looked back the girl was putting her clothes back on. It has become glaringly obvious to me that women are not my thing.

Despite my family’s confusion once in thinking that I and my best friend were lesbian lovers, and despite that sometimes men piss me off to the point of wanting to give up on men completely… I just have never had a thing for women. My friends and I have never had girly snuggling sessions. I’ve never kissed a girl nor have I been tempted to. The closest to gay I’ve gotten was when I was 8 or 10 or something and a girlfriend came over for a sleepover. She convinced me to play a doctor type thing, where we sucked on each others nipples. It seemed weird at the time and meant absolutely nothing. It felt like the equivalent of being licked in the face by my dog. A little bit of Eww.

I’ve never really understood some girls’ draw to each other for physical affection, kissing, teasing, playing, or sex. I’m just not wired that way.

Now.. give me a naked man.. Thats a whole different story.

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