Mourning The Loss Of Possibility

Funny enough, after having a conversation yesterday where I mention that most dating bloggers are f’n crazy. I then proceed along my day only proving that statement true for myself.

1. I call some strange dude that I’ve never met. I know. I know.

2. I head out to get groceries and stalk the pool on the way to and from my car looking for Mr. Hot German.

3. I break down in tears over someone I’m not dating, whom I’ve never met, and proceed to want to get obliterated with alcohol because of it.

1 & 2 are normal crazy for me. 3… well I’m gunna blame hormones, but really its more involved than that.. which honestly does make me crazy.

See, I have loved this guy for a long time. We’ve slowly been getting to know each other. When we first met, he wanted nothing to do with a relationship and I did.

He’s honestly the only person since my divorce that I haven’t “broken out into hives” at the thought of getting into a relationship. Partly because we seem to understand each other, and partly I suppose because we’re miles apart and it seems more like a fantasy than real reality.

We’ve talked while we dated other people. He’s asked my advice several times when courting a new girl, but its never been anything serious.

Then last night, he asked my advice on proposing to her. This girl he’s been dating for a little while.

See when someone I care for, asks me for advice, I auto-pilot to give them the best advice I know, without any reguard for myself. It is how I am. I could be selfish and help him destroy his relationship, but I couldn’t face myself in the mirror let alone face him. Because honestly, I sincerely just want him to be happy, even more than the desire to be the one that makes him happy.

I’d been as clear as I could be about my feelings without actually sending him naked pictures labeled “Do Me” or sending him some silly love note. I’m also not keen, since my ex, to be the one making the overtures. I really want a guy who wants me enough, not to let me go.

It doesn’t much matter anyway. He’s head over heels. A goner. I’m sure I can hope that she’ll say no, but I know she won’t. He’s that great of a catch.

So last night, I drank up while crying into my wine. Maybe I’ll find one of my own, someday.

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Stop The Muffin-Top Bra

OH DEAR LORD!

I don’t talk much about fashion though I have to say I definitely have some strong opinions on it. The other night I was watching late late night TV.. couldn’t sleep.. and came across a waste of time called “The Wendy Williams Show” which I watched mostly because I was doing other things and not caring a whole lot about what was on.

Then she started talking about fashion and had a fashion expert on the show. The fashion expert had some good tips, so I paid attention.

Then Wendy and a guest (not the fashionista) began to talk about bra selection. They both said that they thought (or used to think) that having that little bubble of breast hanging over the top of the bra was sexy. They both had been told by fashion experts to buy larger (better fitting) bras.

Dear Women of the World.. (men if you disagree please comment and tell me why)

Wearing your boobs out in public in a bra that is too small causing your boobs to bubble over the top or outside of the bra.. IS DISGUSTING!

Its not sexy. It makes you look like you’re fashion stupid or poor (can’t afford an appropriately sized bra) or just a trashy woman without any taste.

Please please please.. go into your nearest department store or lingerie shop with knowledgeable staff and get yourself measured for an appropriate size.

Unlike our shoes.. our boobs size can change at the drop of a hat. Weight gain. Weight loss. Even time of the month (hormonal) can cause size changes.. which in some women can be very significant. So you may need a couple choices of fits.

For most of us women, our boobs are one of our greatest selling features when dating. When we want to look good, a good bra can sometimes make or break an outfit. (Not to mention what a good bra can do for the .. umm.. gym. – As my childhood friend said about my sister as she ran to first base in softball “Holy Cow! She could knock herself out with those.”)

Honestly women.. I cannot stress this enough.. when it comes to fashion.. to looking good.. to making an impression.. a good fitting bra is essential.

A muffin-top bra is never acceptable. So stop it… stop it now!

Covering Some Urban (Dating) Legends

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… or as a tshirt I saw the other day “Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder”

Either way, beauty is subjective. So is attraction. So is everything else that comes along with dating.

Who is fat vs thin?

Who is smart vs stupid?

Who is funny?

Who knows how to party?

All of these are subjective, especially when it comes to dating.

Women want a nicely sculpted man.

If you ask nearly any woman, a man with chiseled features, an inshape body, 6 pack of abs… is pretty darn sexy.

However, if you look at the guys that women build relationships with.. most of those aren’t the guys that spend all their time at the gym.  Actually, some of them probably don’t even see a gym on their way to get beer.

Because as superficial as we women can be.. when it comes to picking a mate.. we’re more about the inside than we are about the outside.

That doesn’t mean that a well sculpted male body won’t turn our heads.. it just doesn’t activate our hearts.

Just as being funny doesn’t mean we’ll want to be around you more than once, or that you can programme our computer means we’ll want you to stick around. Even the life of the party has its flaws that will get us to boot you out.

If you can manage to have a well defined (not super human) body, and still be well-rounded, mentally stable, fun, intelligent, patient, and understanding.. You’ll be the catch of the day.  But in the real world, no one body type is going to catch every woman.

For each person there is a different criteria, and different priorities.  There are too many variables.

Women Want A Nice Guy

Uh.. define nice.  I tackled this a few months ago, as I don’t really believe in the “nice guy”.  Its honestly one of the things that guys describe themselves as and I tune out.  I’ve gotten much more hurt (or just found them to be insane) by a self-proclaimed “nice guy” than I have by anyone else.

Most guys who claim to be nice.. in essence are ball-less bastards who make dating more confusing, more deceptive, and less “stable” than their brazenly evil counterparts.

Women want a man who is nice to them. This means he doesn’t keep things from her. He doesn’t just let her run all over him. He is an entity of himself where she fits well with him. He is loyal, trusthworthy, honest, loving, and someone she can lean on… and honestly someone she can fight with without fear of bodily harm, and some hope of being heard.

Women Crave Stability

I’d say yes, yes, yes  we do.  However, we don’t like to be bored to death.  While dating the proverbial accountant with decent $$ sounds promising, and there is a time in every woman’s life where they consider snagging some boring rich bastard just for the security and stability..  There always comes a point where too much is enough.

We like waking up and knowing who is beside us. We like knowing that that person will choose to be with us day after day after day. We like having a life where we’re not constantly wondering what terror tomorrow will bring.

However, we also like to grow, learn, experience.  So we like trying new things, or going new places, or throwing caution to the wind now and then.  We like a little bit of a challenge to keep us moving forward.

But we also only really feel confident to throw caution to the wind once we have a minimal level of stability under us. For every person this is different.  Some people feel great throwing caution to the wind with just a little bit… others need much much more.

More to the story..

And with every bit of evidence of proving or disproving Urban Dating Legends.. theres also more things to consider that can change anyone from a “YES” to a “Oh God No”..

Unmarried vs Divorced (Past History)

Republican vs Democrat (Politics)

Kids vs No Kids (Thoughts on Children)

Parenting Styles (Methods of Raising Children)

Vegan vs Meat Eater (Food)

Animal Lovers vs I hate your pets (Pets)

Age

Race

Cultural Conflicts

The list goes on.  So even if you do everything RIGHT… that particular relationship can be all sorts of WRONG for you. They may just realize this first, and may make it look like.. an Urban Legend.. when in reality they just can’t handle watching you eat peas.

Guilty & Ready For My Beating

We all like to judge. We judge ourselves. We judge others. We even sometimes enlist other people to judge us.. because we obviously don’t get enough judgement throughout our day.. or we hope the verdict will be different.

We tie ourselves into knots, and we enlist the help of others in this as well.

No where is this more prevalent than in dating. We are constantly bombarded with “do this” and “don’t do that” .. that by the time we actually manage to find someone to accompany us, we’ve got ourselves convinced that we are other than we are.

Some of us convince ourselves we’re more of a catch than we are. Our perfect maintenance. Our perfect manners. Our perfect set of rules and regulations.

Others of us convince ourselves that we’re not a catch at all. We have too much hair or not enough, imperfect teeth, undesirable bodies, horrid careers.. and so on. We convince ourselves that we aren’t social adept enough or interesting enough. We chide ourselves as losers for not being able to follow simple “rules” of dating.

Whats even worse than this.. is that we ask others to bolster these opinions. We specifically choose to go to people who we know (darn good and well) will give us the praise or tongue-lashing that we feel we deserve.

This post by Moxieinthecity has been bugging me for days, and I’ve come to the conclusion of why.. or conclusions maybe?

To start.. I’ll be honest. My first reaction to Moxie’s post was offense. I felt judged, because like the poster.. I’ve had sex on the first date. I like sex. I give in occasionally to the moment.. sometimes encouraged by TOM (hormones are evil) and alcohol (decreases my inhibitions, aka makes me horny). I don’t necessarily think this is something that should be held against me.. though I fully understand that often it is.. and I sometimes worry about men’s intentions after the fact.  Are they going to call? If they call are they only calling for a bootycall?

But thats not why it stuck with me. I fully grasp that by sleeping with said person I’ve made my choice to take a huge risk that he won’t want to see me again. (In my past, I did this often out of self-sabotage. I figured he’d leave once he got sex, might as well make it sooner than later.)

Why it stuck with me was this… I related to.. and felt sorry for.. the girl.

I felt sorry for her because she was so full of self-doubt that it was hampering her ability to just enjoy her choices. Instead of embracing her choice to have sex, she was beating herself up, and judging herself for it.  Running doomsday scenarios of why he was calling rather than finding out for herself.

Secondly, I felt sorry for her.. because not only was she judging herself.. she actively sought out Moxie to help tongue-lash her… and Moxie did.

Moxie let her have it in ways that .. well.. make me want to find the OP and give her a hug.

You didn’t really accept the consequences. If you had, you’d never have sent him that text. Now, had you sent him a text one night when you were feeling frisky and wanted to grab some wine and a shag?

To me this says… if you have sex on the first date, don’t bother trying to be anything to him other than a bootycall. Which is wrong.. so wrong.. Sure sure.. sex on the first date does decrease the chances in most men’s minds that you’ll ever be more than casual.. but not all men.  If he really likes you, sex on the first date isn’t going to matter (trust me I’ve got a couple marriage proposals to prove it).

Sending a “thank you” text the next day.. is good etiquette. Just is. Always.

I just wish we could stop beating each other up. Stop beating ourselves up, for things that come naturally and are consensual. Whether we like it or not, we have to deal with the consequences.. and when it comes to sex.. those consequences aren’t always what we expected. Sometimes they’re good, and sometimes they’re disaster.. but they’re always unpredictable.

Enjoy your life.. Take each day as it comes.

Dating A Parent

Dear Parents out there who are attempting to date single non-parents,

I just wanted to let you know that we all get that you have kids. You’ve let us know, and we’re cool with it.  Some of us might absolutely love it.

But what we don’t want right now, especially before ever meeting your child, is the cutsie play by play of what adorable thing your child did just now or earlier.

If its not something that will have everyone in the world rolling with laughter, such as your daughter just flipped off your boss by showing him her owie.. then we don’t need to know and probably don’t want to know.

We do want to know about you. So if your child is suffering from cancer, yeah we want to know because its going to affect you. If you spent the entire day at a theme park with your child and are exhausted, yeah we want to know. What we don’t need to know about is the evenings you two spent building a tower only to knock it down, or the time you and your little girl washed each others hair and how you let her comb yours. Let alone a play by play of either of those events.

While those moments are precious, they’re also private moments between the two of you. We’re not a family yet, so please don’t feed us these stories on an ongoing basis. It will either make us crazy to belong to the family, or make us feel like an outsider. Neither of which you want. Trust me.

What you do want, and what we want.. is to see if the two of us fit together. That requires getting to know you. Not just the parent you, but the you at work, the you at play, and just YOU.  Only once we’ve figured out if we’re a good fit, are we even going to want to venture into your family.  And only if we’re a good fit should you even let us.

So please.. stop texting me the play by play of how cute you are with your kid.

SXSW: Twitter, Dating, & Douches

The remainder of SXSW was relatively uneventful. The dating bloggers and I never met up. That made me sad, and a little angry, but c’est la vie.

I did get to meet the guy who decided not to have me on his dating panel. It was all about using Twitter for dating, and advice and discussion of that.

After two seconds of entering the panel room I understood why I wasn’t on it.

1. He’s the biggest douchebag.

2. She was one of those tiny digital prima-donnas.

Ok.. so I’m being judgy.

I just got a little miffed when someone asked for advice on what photo to use to help them increase dating interest. The panel let people in the audience answer and give advice.. but the minute I referenced OkCupid’s research on the best photos to use in online dating.. I was interrupted.

It did not matter that I was expressing research on what photos people found the most attractive and approachable.. no no.. I mentioned “online dating”.  I was summarily told that this was not “Online Dating”, and I was so shocked by the rudeness and obvious “WTF crack are you on” situation that I just sat there with my mouth open and silent for a few minutes as they moved on to someone else.

Dear Douchebag,

Twitter is online. You’re discussing dating. Thus this is online dating.  Sure sure twitter is not solely purposed as an online dating site, but make no mistake, its online dating.

One of the great things though about using Twitter for dating is that you can get a better sense of what that person is like than you would on an online dating site. On Twitter you get to see how they interact with others. Are they universally friendly? Do they play favorites? Are they childish and block people for silly things? Are they only tweeting at midnight, or is it an all day thing (aka are they an addict)?

Twitter can reveal much more about you than most sites.. but if you’re using it to date.. you’re doing online dating.

So.. please remove that elitist stick from your rectum.

Thanks,

Maruska

I did try to introduce myself to him after the panel and say hi.. remind him who I was, etc. He would have none of it, and didn’t care to even say hi. I was totally ignored. We’re “Friends” on Facebook, WTF? I wasn’t expecting a hug and kiss and a huge “we need to catch up” party, but for fuck’s sake at least acknowledge that I’m a human being.

So I decided to pester him whenever I saw him the rest of the conference. Seriously, if I saw him, I’d make a point to say hello to him all excited as if we knew each other really well and haven’t seen each other in ages. After the first 24 hours, I could tell he was just a little freaked out by it (I was seriously making scenes by yelling his name across the crowded hallways, and he was giving me wide berths). Pretty certain he thought I was some kind of stalker with a crush.  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So Monday night rolls around and I head to a party with some local friends. I enter and find my friends and right next to them is Mr Douchebag.  So I turn to one of the guys in my group, and I start sounding off about how much that guy is a douchebag and why. (Mr Douchebag is not from Austin. It was a crowded bar, so I figured it was circumstance that he was there not that he was being social with my group)  My friend turns to me, and says:

“Him?”

“Yes.. the douche who just went up the stairs”

“Oh he’s a good guy. I used to work with him.”

I wanted to crawl in a hole. I went off about this guy to the only person in my entire circle in Austin who possibly could have known this guy. Great!  Turns out they were pretty good pals.

Funny thing though.. after inserting my foot way far into my mouth.. my friend yelled to the douchebag, who had moved across the room, to say something unrelated to him, and the douchebag then saw that I was friends with his friend.

The entire remainder of SXSW, if I saw Douchebag.. it was he who would smile and say hi to me.

F ‘ ing Prick.

Will He Or Won’t He Marry Me?

I keep hearing this “horror” stories about girls who date guys for year and years and years, and complain that the guy doesn’t marry them.

If you are one of these girls… SHUT UP and be happy or GET OUT.

Those are your choices.

If a guy wants to marry you, he will.  Unless he’s majorly stupid, he’ll know relatively soon.

There’s some really great advice on this over at LuvemorLeavem.

Personally, unless the guy has said he never ever wants to marry again. In which case, I know going in that marriage is not on the table. I won’t date anyone more than 2 yrs, and after the first year I’m evaluating whether or not I want to stay as I’m already feeling like he’s not going to propose (aka not that into me).

Yes, I know… you think I’m crazy and that I should give men more time.

In my family, there is little divorce. Partly because its just not done, and partly because we don’t do wishy washy. You either want to, or you don’t.

Most marriages in my family.. on both sides of my family.. the engagement happened around the 6 month mark, and were married by a year or so into the relationship.  So from starting dating to married was roughly a years time. (Some were less than years time btw)

This is my background or my examples of long-term marriage.

I’ve also seen long-term dating work out well, but those couples are also on the same page. They don’t expect marriage or want marriage and are perfectly happy with things as they are.  They work out things together, rather than one of them whining behind the other’s back about their legal status.

So to these girls sitting through years of dating..

Are you ok with being committed to someone verbally or do you need a legal document?  Are you ok with simply being happy together or do you want the big party?

Figure out what you want.. What you need to be happy, and stick to it.

The right guy for you will want to give you what you need to happy, and maybe more.

Stop playing victim. Make a choice. Make a decision. He’ll respect you more for it. And if he’s not willing to give it to you, you can stop wasting your time on him.

Do’s And Don’ts of Splitting

So I ran across this blog article today, and it set me off.  It’s all about the Do’s and Don’ts of breaking up, by Cereal Daters.

Which honestly, there are good ways and bad ways to break up. Ways to do it with the least damage to other person, and with the friendship you had somewhat still intact.

And it takes communication to do it.

This article, to me, is all that is wrong with breaking up… ok.. not all.. just some.

The article first states: “Don’t Tell Him“- which I assume is don’t tell him why you’re splitting, because not telling him you’re breaking up with him is just way too immature for words.

So let me address the “don’t give him the reasons”.. Depending on who you’re dating, reasons may or may not be needed. Some people really need them for closure. Sure leave off the stupid stuff that you know is going to light a fire (aka he leaves the seat up, his hairy ass is disgusting, or whatever) but explaining that the relationship is no longer good for you.. isn’t a bad idea. Whatever you do, make it clear that you’re moving on. Period. But do try to be nice about it, this is someone you used to care for. Treat them accordingly.

Next “Do Tell Your Homegirls” –  Do tell your friends that you’ve split. Do not however bad mouth him to them unless you can back it up. Slander and rumors are never cool. Roasting him just because you no longer want to be his girlfriend/lover will only bite you in the ass later.. not to mention makes you look petty and bitter.

Don’t play mom” – A girlfriend should never ever play mother to a man. Sorry. However, if you’ve been together for a while, and he truly needs your help with something that only you can help with.. Help him out. If he’s making crap up like he needs you to help him change his tire, give him the number to a towing company and be done with it.  But if you’ve been together for a while, and his mother tragically dies soon after you’ve broken up and he wants you there for moral support (and you knew his family).. then be there.. platonically. No snuggling. No kissy. No pookie/sweety. If he’s throwing those kind of cards, walk out. You do need to stand your ground that its over.

Don’t hang on to any sentimental items” – You had good times. You had bad times. No one is 100% bad 100% of the time. You’re going to have sentimental things. You’re going to grieve for the loss of those good times. Throwing away anything that reminds you of those good times seems a little overkill, but having a housefull of momentos isn’t healthy either. Pick a few good memories to keep if you’d like (especially anything of re-wearable value – aka jewelry) and pack them away some place that you’ll see them much less.

Don’t convince yourself that you’re over-reacting” – WTF? This process should already be hashed out prior to saying goodbye. You made a choice. Stick to it. Remember your reasons for splitting. Take notes. Learn from your mistakes so you don’t do the same things in your next relationship.

Do cut off all forms of communication” – Whoah dawgies. Do you seriously have some hate on for this guy? What did he do? Do not do this for most people that you break up with. This is only needed if the person is unhealthy to have in your life in any way.  Aka drug dealer, drug addict, bad alcoholic, criminal behavior, etc. or you’re actually afraid for your life. (or in cases where the person has gone completely nutso and is now harassing and stalking you.)

Going this extreme with someone sane and loving, is a good way to get them to bad mouth you to everyone they know. Everyone they meet in the future… thats a lot of people. A lot of potential dates.  Its a small world out there. Watch out what bridges you’re burning.

Don’t think its okay to hang around mutual friends” – Friends are important. They will pick which side they’re on. Of course, you’re not going to be able to tell these friends all the sordid details of your breakup, save that for your own friends.  But don’t throw the mutual friends out yet.  Once the breakup is done, you may find they’re just as fun as they ever were.

I do agree with her on her last statement though..

Do be strong… this is always easier said than done.”

My main advice for breaking up … is simple.  Be nice. Be compassionate. Listen, but be unmovable. You’ve made up your mind. Stick to it. Wavering will only cause you and them much more heartbreak.

Opposite Sex Friendships

Dear R. Don Steele,

You are an ignorant ass.  Sure sure, the affection mentioned in the letter between the girlfriend and her guy friend is a big red flag.

But to say point blank that guys and girls cannot be friends… Whoa Dawgies!

Please come out of the dark ages and join the rest of us in civilization.

To say that guys and girls cannot be friends.. is pretty much to also say that a gay guy and a straight man cannot be friends, a lesbian and a straight girl cannot be friends… actually you might as well as say lesbians cannot be friends, nor can homosexuals be friends with each other.

Its possible that you’re too locked into your penis that you honestly believe that everyone else has such a huge urge to copulate that they’ll jump anyone suitable for the task.

Or maybe its perhaps you find nothing valid in the opposite sex worth being friends with them. Are you secretly a misogynist?

Hope you have a good knuckle-dragging life,

Maruska

******

My response to that lovely letter would be…

Dear Richard,

You need to talk to her. Calmly. She’s with you. She’s chosen you. So if she’s doing something questionable, you need to set the pattern now in your relationship that you two talk. Communication is key to any relationship.

She needs to know that his physical attention to her makes you uncomfortable, and makes you wonder about her fidelity. You want to trust her, but you’re not used to this kind of friendship.

If she does not stop allowing this guy to cuddle with her in public, then you have your answer.  If she’s really with you, she’ll work this out with you so you’re both happy.

Do not however make her choose between a “long time friend” and you. He could be a FWB or just a good friend.. if you throw this card for jealousy reasons, she’ll toss you to the curb no questions asked.  As the saying goes, “Bros before Hoes”, he’s her bro, you’re the ho.

If you want to make this relationship last, you are going to have to stick in there. Show her that you trust her and you’re there for the long haul, but that she’s yours and you want the world to have no questions about that.

Talk to her.

-Maruska

Dating Psychology 101

Last thursday night I of course went again to my “Flirting” group. Being that it was the thursday before Halloween, people obviously had better things to do and the group had a small turn out.

 

So we did something a little different.  We talked.

 

The organizer handed out small pieces of paper for us to write questions that we wanted to ask of the group/opposite sex/whatever.

 

He then shuffled the papers and read the questions and we discussed it.

 

Sounds boring huh? It actually was a lot of fun and a little surprising.

 

Here were the results…

 

Attraction:  Oddly enough both sexes agreed on what is attractive and what makes us want to be around, talk to, or let people into our lives.. And yes EVERYONE had the same answer independent of peer pressure.. there wasn’t any peer pressure on this.. Trust me.

 

I actually asked the question because I was curious what the guys would come up with for an answer.  I actually expected to hear “beautiful face” or “good body” or “dresses nice” or something.. Instead I got the following..

 

1. Smiling. (not just your mouth but with your eyes)

2. Friendly looking – see #1.

3. Looks like their having fun. #1 plus maybe a genuine laugh now and then.

4. Eye contact – if you can catch their eye, or get their attention.

 

Basically it boiled down to… fun and approachable… Doing your own thing and happy with it.. Not dependent on others to make you happy.

 

While looking nice, and being beautiful can help, its not the end all be all, and actually a very little part of it.  Sure it catches their attention at first, but if the above “rules” aren’t there most people will move on to someone else.

 

We also talked about bad boys and nice guys.. And somewhere in there I had a moment of brilliance.

 

Most people trust people with boundaries.  We like boundaries.  We like knowing how far we can push things to get a desired result. It helps us feel safe in the relationship with someone if we can trust them to let us know when we’ve crossed the line. We tend not to like total doormats.

 

We also like to know that we’re special.  We don’t feel special if someone is just as nice to us as they are to everyone else.  We want that “inner circle” feeling.  We want inside the boundary so to speak.

 

One of my exes.. well to shorten the story lets just say he’s an ex rather than getting into the whole drama of our friendship/attraction/fling/misunderstanding/friends thing… So anyway, this ex is the epitome of boundaries.

 

When I first heard of him through friends of friends of friends, I learned that he was a notorious asshole. (I know I know.. so sexy) And that he was extremely selective in who he hung around. (OMG Challenge.. drool) No one could tell me why he was the way he was or any keys to getting close to him, but since nearly all my friends were acquaintances of his, I assumed that I’d be a shoe in.

 

Uh.. not so much.  When I first met him, I walked up to him while he was talking with some of my friends. I went to say “Hi, I’m Maruska”, and he turned to someone else, raised his hand, and waved me off… like “Shoo fly you bother me”.

 

I was taken aback and immediately thought “OH NO He didn’t!”

 

He is not a sexy man physically. He doesn’t have that handsome face. He doesn’t have an athletic body. He actually would be adequately described as an uber-geeky skinny assed homely guy.  Guy. I very much doubt anyone would take one look at him and say “Oh there goes a man” unless they were merely referring to the fact that he’s male.  Most people actually do not notice him.

 

But I was riveted. At first, because no one that uneventful had ever brushed me off. And secondly, because he was an extremely intelligent witty guy.

 

I set out to get to know him. Once I got home from meeting him the first time, I made notes to pester him every time he got online.  My first message to him was “It was really nice meeting you. You really are the asshole they promised.”

 

He didn’t reply.  He thought I was just a silly frivolous girl, and not worth wasting his time.

 

I set out to prove him wrong or at least pester the crap out of him until he actually did reply.  I was told by all our mutual friends not to go this course of action, but I figured he already hated me, I’d just give him good reason.

 

Anyway one thing lead to another and my intelligence and wit and persistence won him over. By the next time we met, we were inseparable.  I was one of, if not the queen-bee of his circle (our circle).  We’d actually gone through so much “honesty” with each other that I could say things to him that most of the other girls in our circles would not even dare.  I was special, and I loved him for it.

 

Now that said, not everyone should have this extreme boundary setup as a goal. Boundaries actually shouldn’t be a goal.

 

As much as having boundaries and standing up for them breeds trust, respect, and a feeling of safety… faking boundaries is detrimental.

 

In the group discussion, we discussed what was our big “deal breaker” and every one of us also agreed on this..

 

Deception – Lying

 

There are many ways to deceive, and some can come back and bite you in the butt big time.

 

Lying about your natural haircolor?  Not so much a big deal.  Lying about your financial status, your real appearance, or that you smoke.. are often deal breakers. People that would have given you a chance had you been honest, no longer will have anything to do with you.

 

Lying gets you nowhere in a relationship.

 

Thus the same for boundaries.  You can’t make up boundaries.  You have to really have them.. .you have to own your boundaries.

 

Making up a boundary in order to appear more trust worthy will eventually backfire. The minute that the person finds out that you made up some arbitrary boundary.. they will no longer respect any of your boundaries.. How are they to know which ones are real?

 

This is the key behind many women’s interest in bad over nice.  Most bad boys have boundaries and they’re not afraid to let you know them. They’re confident and secure enough in themselves to only be around people who can handle their boundaries. (Or at the very least, while they may not be inner confident, they’ve gotten boundaries to limit their lives to people they actually like). While a lot of these guys tend to be jerks, we at least usually know where we stand.

 

Most nice guys however will ignore their normal boundaries to be nice.. in an effort to be accommodating, not understanding that this is most of the reason they finish last. Btw Mr Nice Guy… its also deceptive practices to pretend to not have a boundary  when you actually do.. we women don’t like that deception.. we wonder what else you’re lying about or not telling us.  While some of these guys are actually as nice as they seem, we’re often left wondering where that line is and if they’d actually tell us if we crossed it.

 

There actually is a third group of guys.. and these are the keepers. These are the nice guys with boundaries.  These are well adjusted guys who know what they can and cannot handle and are ok with expressing it.  Some of these guys are the strong leaders you see, very in control, commanding but full of charm. A few are also just very agreeable guys more than willing to go with the flow, but speak out once things get close to their boundary.  These guys are often perceived as honest and stand-up guys, and 99% of them are married already or dedicated bachelors.

 

Or at least thats my thoughts… 🙂