The Hottest Guy Comes With Wheels

So the other night, I go to this networking meeting. Pierce was supposed to be there, but thats not entirely why I went. I do have my own life outside of the urge to stalk him.

Plus the fact that he didn’t reply to my DM the other day.. he’s a little bit in the doghouse. Honestly, I’d completely write him off if he wasn’t so damn attentive last I saw him… and well if he wasn’t so damn cute.

So anyway, I go. Pierce is not there. But I honestly only notice his abscense for about the first 5 minutes.

I enter and behind me in the entrance line is my old director and her beau. This is a networking thing for the geeky. I was a little shocked that she was there and that she’d heard about it. Weird.

Anyway, we get closer to the front of the line… there’s a couple in front of me.. when a loud voice from the table says “Hey Maruska! I got ya, just fill out a nametag.”

It’s my favorite hot happily-married man. So I grin at him.

“Whaaa? you know who I am?” I say jokingly while I fill out my nametag.

Well a few minutes later after checking out who all is there (aka not Pierce), my old director finds me.

“Hey, how’d you do that?”

I look at her like she’s grown a third eye as I try to jog my memory about what I might have just done.

“Huh?”

“At the entrance, how’d you do that?” She’s looking at me as if I’m the social guru of the year.

“Oh, yeah.. I know him. No biggie. I actually know quite a few of the people here. I’m kinda geek.” I admit as I am uncomfortable with her whole “omg you’ve got the hookup” attitude… though I was a little flattered by it. She’s the Who’s Who of Independant Theatre in Austin, so it was kinda funny getting on her “respect” list for networking.

“Oh wow, I didn’t know. I just heard about these things.” She says while looking around.

I’m looking around too, but mostly for someone to motion to me and save me from what is bound to me more uncomfortable talking.

I mention to her that I need to go say “Hi” to a few people and wish her a fun evening. Then I fled.

Of course, Pierce was a no-show the entire event. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t flirting around.

Actually, I wasn’t so much flirting around as I was being flirted with. Made my head spin a little. See my little business venture is getting around I think.. or else it’s given me some kind of pheromones to attract men.

There was one gentleman I’ve met like once before. Maybe twice, but pretty sure just once. I honestly don’t know his name. He’s hot. He’s sweet. But not normally what I go for.. so not really on my radar.

But evidently I am on his. Within minutes of him seeing me, he came over and said hello. He then entrapped me into a conversation (it wasn’t torturous, pleasant really, but he obviously was not letting me just flit on by). When he was interupted by a friend of his, I turned away to see who else was interesting to talk to..

Thats when I met the hottest guy.

Seriously when I tell you this guy is hot.. I mean hot… but probably not in the way most of you are thinking.

He was well kept. Great hair. Very hot face. Hot upper body. Looked like a relaxed GQ kinda guy. But what made him hot was his communication skills. The guy could talk to you and make you feel like the only woman in the room. He also listened like every word you said was gold. Two sentences in and I already wanted to nasty things to him. Sizzling.

Weirder still.. he’s in a wheelchair. Something that normally I’d see, and check off my list of viable. But honestly, it wasn’t really noticable. In a crowd of 50 people all standing, where his face had to be butt-high at best, I didn’t really notice his chair. I simply saw a hot man. That’s how smoking hot this guy is.

There are things more important than superficiality.

By the way, I wasn’t the only girl swooning over this guy. He and I got interupted, and I left to find out if my other friends had shown up. Sure enough they had, so I did some chatting. In between conversations though, I’d go and see if hot guy was available for chatting.

He never was. Every time I went to see if he was free, he was fully surrounded by hot women. Seriously surrounded.

*le sigh*

I finished the evening having made a couple new friends, and with a few more hours of flirting under my belt.

… And with a little sadness that I didn’t get to spend more time with the hot man.

The Read Non-Date Date Kinda

So last night I got to hang out with Pierce. It wasn’t a date or a planned event. I didn’t message him “see you tonight” even though I knew he was planning on going… I am part stalker btw… because we weren’t going together or even going to meet each other. We just both happened to be going to the same place.

Now I hoped that last night would pan out so that Pierce and I could get some one on one time, but my expectations were not high.

I get there and its wall to wall people. I see one person that I “know” and he sort of knows me. Matt knows who I am by my face. I doubt he knows my name, and while this guy is salesman nice (to everyone) he more often than not tries to get away from me asap. Its like I’ve got cooties.

So I say “Hi” to Matt, he says “Hi” in return. There’s an awkward moment, and Matt flees.

I go to the bar, grab a drink, a stiff drink, and look around for other people I might know or want to get to know. The group of people is ecclectic at best. There’s locals dressed “as you are”, business types dressed accordingly with fancy suits and well coiffed hair (obviously gay or completely new to town), and a mix of ordinary well adjusted people who dressed normal for being where we were and outside in the heat.

I’m busy watching the show when Pierce walks in. He sees me, gives me a hug, and stays to chat a bit. Mostly just talking about who is here and who we know. I mention that I only know Matt and point out where he is. Shortly thereafter, Pierce excuses himself and says something about going to say Hi to Matt. To be honest, I wasn’t listening. I was trying to watch the show and heard that he was going, and tuned out.

About 20 minutes later, when the show was over, Pierce returns to me and we talk. We talk about his work and my potential work, and this thing and that thing… and politics and BP.. He may or may not have made joking references to being too busy in college trying to get laid, and I may or may not have described my bed to him with a little too much detail (hey it fit in with the conversation I swear)… and.. then Pierce excuses himself to go to the bathroom saying quite clearly that he’ll be right back.

This time.. unlike the last time we’d hung out… It wasn’t said awkwardly or like he felt I needed some kind of pathetic reassurance in order to extracate himself… this time he said it solidly as a promise of “We’re not done here.” There was no question about it.

But I also didn’t want to just sit there twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to return. I wanted to talk to a few of the performers, and took that chance to do so.. while keeping an eye on the spot where I was, watching for his return.

I barely got a few words in with a couple performers before I saw him return looking for me. (insert big grin and an inner happy dance) So I tried to catch his eye to show him where I was. He saw me talking to the performers and came and sat down a few feet away from my new position and waited. (insert swoon)

He didn’t seem irritated. He just sat and waited. Patiently. Until I finished doing what I was doing. He didn’t come over and try to horn in on the conversation or try to pull me away. He just waited. He didn’t seem impatient or signal me to hurry up. He just waited his turn, patiently.

I seriously wanted to take him home and fuck him something rotten for that. After years of my ex being grumpy and impatient and belittling whatever it was I wanted to do… and being upset with me if I didn’t do what he wanted to do and just socially been a complete pain in my ass… This was a breath of fresh air, and had we been in a relationship, Pierce would have gotten some mad crazy girl sex. Just sayin.

Left to my own devices, I probably would have prolonged my interaction with the performers quite a bit longer.. but seeing Pierce look so deliciously patient and waiting for me.. I cut out of the conversation before I would have otherwise.

Sexy intelligent man vs really cool important people who won’t remember your name tomorrow? Uh sexy man please!

So I sat down next to Pierce, and we talked some more. And talked. And talked. Though it didn’t seem like time was really passing, other than that crazy ache to kiss him and the visual of the sun setting, I’m not sure time really passed at all while we talked.

And he was sweet. Seriously sweet. At one point the sun was in my face when I would turn to talk to him, he, of his own accord, moved his head between mine and the sun blocking it completely from hitting my face. He did this without calling attention to what he was doing. He didn’t even say “is that better” like he was expecting a thank you or calling attention to his chivalry. He just did it, and seemed pleased enough that in doing so the conversation continued to flow. He held that position, moving slightly in response to any change in my position, until the sun itself had moved to a less problematic spot. (How can I not swoon?)

We got up to refresh our drinks, and he stayed with me… not like a leech, he wasn’t glued to my side.. but near me. We continue talking once we’ve gotten new drinks, and as we’re finishing our drinks, Pierce mentions that he needs to go. I agree that its probably time to go, though in all honesty I wasn’t ready to part. I had no idea what time it was, but I was pretty sure by the fact that we were the last people there that it was in fact time to go home.

“You want to walk out together?” Pierce asks.

I barely catch it and I think that’s what he said.

“Yeah, that’d be great.” I reply.

We coordinate our exit, and walk out together. As we approach every juncture where we could have parted ways, he says “I need to go (insert direction)..” with a silent hestitation implying “which direction are you?” while almost guiding me seamlessly along as we walked together.

We went part of the way to our cars together, alas there was a fork in the road where we parted ways. We hugged quickly. Said we’d had a good time.

“Until next time” he said… or maybe it was “I’ll see you around, at the next thing” ? I don’t recall.

All I know is that there is something there. It might be as simple as friendship, or it might be something more. We’ll see.

The Dreams That Disappoint

The Setup.. It’s our first date, some months in the future after we’ve managed to run into each other several times at several different events, he finally asks me out. We decide to play some mini-golf.

It’s around the second to last hole, that conversation becomes strained. Neither of us is talking which is highly unusual.

I am stressing myself out about it. I actually like that I feel relaxed enough around Pierce that I can be quiet, but I’m afraid he’ll see me as boring or worse that I’m bored with him. Finally he speaks.

“You’re being awfully quiet.” He jokes with a big smile on his face.

Its impossible not to catch his smile, and so I grin back at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit preoccupied.” I try to hide the slight embarassed blush that I know is creeping along my face.

“Mini-golf isn’t that challenging, so what’s got your tongue? Is it work?” He’s genuinely concerned and wanting to help with whatever is the problem, but also seeing the blush, he’s curious.

“No no… work is fine.” I say as I hold my putter judging just where to stand and how hard to hit the ball. “I’m just preoccupied with this problem I’m trying to figure out how to solve.”

“Oh? Maybe I can help.”

I laugh, “I’m sure you can” and shoot him a look with a clear glint in my eye and mischevous smile.

“Well, tell me then.” He’s now much less concerned, and much much more curious.

“Well, see my mind is completely preoccupied with wanting to kiss you. And not quite sure how to solve it.”

He snickers slightly, “Hmm that is a problem. But I am quite sure it is solveable. Though I don’t really see much problem in it.”

“Well, see for starters, its quite impossible to do with you being over there.” I say as I adjust my stance again, pretending to be concentrating on my shot.. but if I’d have been pretending to read a book, the book would have been upside down for all the true attention I was paying to what I was doing.

Pierce then walks over to me, and stands very close in front of me. His left leg on the right side of my putter, his right leg on the left side of my putter, and my hands just barely a half inch away from his crotch as I held my putter.

I looked up at him and met his gaze. Having him so close made my pulse go all haywire. I was excited, scared, and wanting to run.. but immobile.

“There. Does that solve the problem for you then?” He said with a sly grin teasing me as his face was now just inches from mine.

“Well yes that does make it much much more possible. But I didn’t really tell you the real problem.”

“Oh?” He raised one eyebrow in curiousity.

I look into his eyes to deliver my confession, “See, what I really want is for you to kiss me..” which I barely get out before his hand moves up and lightly brushes my cheek on its way to the back of my neck. His fingers planted themselves at the back of my neck gently pulling me forward, while his thumb pressed just lightly under my jawbone to direct my face up leaving my lips easily accessible.

Then his lips possessed mine in a light caress that deepened to restrained desire.

The kiss stopped as abruptly as it began, and it affected us both equally. There was a brief moment of mutual silence as we regained our proverbial footing.

“So, did that solve the problem?” He teased playfully as he removed his hand from my neck.

“No.. not really” I replied as I let go of my putter and wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him in for another kiss. He wrapped his arms around me, and we kissed the kind of kiss that parents shield their kids from viewing. The kind of kiss that if it was feasible would allow clothes to fly off with a single thought.

This time it was I who ended the kiss abruptly. Moved my hands back to my putter, and said…

“Ok, I’m good now… Hmm you’re in a compromising position, you might want to move before I putt”

I pretended to be all about golf, and giggled when he grumbled slightly as he realized our makeout session was over.

But as our eyes met after my shot, one look confirmed.. the only thing between us and being naked.. was golf.

We quickly finished the last hole, and went to his place. We drive separately, and he’s waiting outside for me when I drive up. We embrace, kiss, and don’t really stop until we’re finally inside.

Things start to get fuzzy around this part.. but I remember running my hands down his chest and then sliding his shirt up over his head.. (and there.. hot and bothered.. it ends).

The Dream Genie Sucks

Sorry I’ve been AWOL lately. I’m still attempting to do this on my psychotic laptop, as well as start a business, do business plans, and the mirade of other crapola that goes along with it. I’m just hoping like hell that this venture takes off. Crossing fingers.. and maybe toes… if it does like it seems its going to.. I’ll be busy buying my dream computer. Right now weighting if that would be an investment or a luxury.

But back to men.. and dating… and me being a little crazy.

I’ve been having dreams lately. Those sexy dreams.. the ones where you start picturing them naked, and thinking of all the things you want to do with them. Yeah those dreams.

And.. Pierce has been making a regular appearance. Which means I do (damn it) like him… but it also is problematic.

See.. my body/brain knows I like him. There’s still that odd hope of “this might be something”.. which means until its really something, until I’ve actually seen him naked or until I’ve completely ruled him out as a possibility.. My mind refuses to actually undress him or imagine much of anything that isn’t readily seen… aka I’ve pictured his bare chest, because the last time I saw him his tshirt was so “fitted” that there was little left to the imagination.

So while my dreams start off sexy, and you know darn good and well that they’re headed to Nakedtown, they never actually make it there.

Last night, I had this fantastic dream (which I might write up later) setting Pierce and I up for a very hot romp.. and then when it came to the hot romp itself.. The dream would die, or start over at the begining.. it did end up going to a sex romp later, but it wasn’t with Pierce, just some nameless faceless guy. *sigh*

Even my dreams won’t give me satisfaction. This sucks.

Wishfully Wrong

I may have been wrong.

Maybe.

It’s really hard to say because I am so very often right (really I’m not full of myself or anything), so this is completely new to me… its really hard to say.

But ..

He thought of me today.

It wasn’t one of those “Hey sweety, I was thinking of you” sort of messages. But he saw something that reminded him of a conversation we had, and sent me a link to update me on it. Aka “Saw this, thought you’d find it interesting [link to article about what we’d talked about]”

Guys.. if you really want to win a girl.. and have a relationship.. shit like that will get you everywhere.

Remembering random things that she’s said from previous conversations.. for example this particular thing was from a conversation that happened about a week ago… and giving her more information on that topic or asking her input on a link about that subject..

If she likes you at all.. she’s going to swoon. It shows that you do listen to her, but not only that.. you listened to the point that when you saw that topic again, you not only had a passing thought of her, but had a strong enough thought of her to go out of your way to tell her about the topic or inform her on something you thought she might care about based on that conversation.

So.. right now I’m swooning a bit. Ok, I’m swooning a lot.

So.. maybe I was wrong.. maybe he does like me?

Or maybe he just really happened across something, and figured as a friend I needed to know?

I’m just going to go with… he likes me. Because a little delusional hopeful thinking never hurt anyone.. right?

Plus.. I rock. How could he not?

Insecurities And White Coats

First, I’d like to thank everyone for their helpful advice about Mac and for not outright calling me psychotic. 🙂

I’m not going to write off Mac yet, but I’m still leery.

Partly I’m leery because my alarm bells are going off, which I’m not usually that far off the mark… Ignoring alarm bells is what got me into the marriage from hell, so I’m cautious.

As I got to thinking about it yesterday, after viewing things from other’s perspectives and going back and reading our text history… My alarm bells were set off by two things.

1. His leaving in the middle of conversations and not bothering to text me back a response in any kind of timely fashion. (Change in pattern)

2. We had been playing a subtle cat/mouse game where anytime the conversation got near anything obviously sexual, one of us would steer the conversation away from it. Usually him. It had made me feel safe, and that he wanted to get to know me. Then last week he changed that game by conversing obviously sexual every time we talked. (Change in pattern)

I was told that I’m “over-thinking and overreacting” and I may be. I probably am.

I want to trust Mac. I do. I should just relax and enjoy  the ride, but I’m terrified I’m going to get obliterated.

Partly, I’m insecure because I really like him which ups the stakes.

Partly, I’m insecure because I have no idea wtf he’s doing with me. My own insecurities.

On a scale of hotness, Mac is about 8-9.  If he was a little taller (he’s maybe 5’10 optimistically) he’d be a 10. He’s physically fit, muscular without being body builder yucky, smart, driven, well-traveled, funny, and communicative for a man. He honestly could have any woman he wanted… or at least most women.

I on the other hand, am an acquired taste. Back in my “youth”, I used to be able to get guys to approach me from across the bar.. any guy I wanted. I was also quite a bit skinnier then.  For someone my size, I’m smoking hot.  But thats for someone my size, and with my clothes on.  Clothes off.. is a whole different story.

My friends say I’m too harsh on myself and that I’m gorgeous. They’re my friends they’re supposed to say that. But if anyone knew my actual weight, they’d suddenly “understand”.  I look about 50-75 pounds less than I actually weigh.

I think I’m honest about my “hotness” level.. and would place myself on the hotness scale as about a 6.  For some with skinny-girl-fetish, I’d be a 3-4. For people with a fat-girl-fetish, I’d be about a 8-9.

I just don’t see Mac as having a fat girl fetish.  So I don’t understand what in the world he’s doing with me.

This reminds me a lot of an ex-boyfriend. One of those that “got away” per se. His name was Charlie. (seriously thats his real name – If you know Charlie, please let me know where he is, I’d love to see him again)

Charlie was drop dead gorgeous. He was constantly hit on by every hot girl in town, and could get laid anywhere anytime by almost any girl.  Suave, charming, sexy… He actually bared a resemblance to the “Marlboro Man” with his chiseled features, dark hair, and heart-stopping blue eyes.

And he wanted me.

Back then, I was much “lighter” and pretty sexy, even though he was obviously way hotter than me. (Seriously, the girls were like “Wtf is he doing with her?”)  He and I got along famously personality wise and just being around Charlie was enough to make me smile.

It was actually during my “Waiting til Marriage” virginity phase, so he wasn’t with me to get laid… though we spent most nights together. He actually promised me that he’d never try to have sex with me. He was dead serious and kept his word. (He actually said that when I did have sex I would want it all the time.. he wasn’t far off.) I felt truly safe with him.

He was a functional alcoholic, though I didn’t know it until we’d been together for two months. He’d said something along the lines of being accused of always drinking.

I replied with, “What? I’ve never seen you drunk.”

He replied “Honey, you’ve never seen me sober”

To be honest, while I knew alcoholism is bad, I didn’t care. I loved him, and would have stood by him through anything.

A month or so later he took a job out of state and we broke up. Sadly, one of my best and most healthy relationships ever was with an alcoholic. He always made me feel beautiful and safe and wanted.

While we were together, he gave me one of his jackets. It smelled like him and so I never washed it for years until the smell of him finally left it. I still have it.

I never did understand why Charlie was with me, and if things work out with Mac, I’m fairly sure I’ll never understand why he’s with me either.

But I suppose I should just chill and let the ride take me.. Wherever it leads.

How Do You Fix Crazy?

Mac and I have been texting. Nothing huge. Nothing in depth. But enough that I am getting to know him better and haven’t found his flaw yet. (yes I am currently liking him enough that I am looking for his flaw to save myself from heartbreak, but thats for another post.)

We’ve also texted long enough that my “Crazy” is coming out.

I do my best not to show it, but when I really start to like a guy, I lose all sense of rational thought.

Dear Men… if I’ve ever pulled a “OMG she’s paranoid and jumping to conclusions” on you.. I’m about two steps from showing up at your door naked begging you to let me be your love slave. (Though that feeling usually lasts until you actually take me up on it.. then for some reason I come to my senses.)

I honestly thought I’d gotten over my marriage and divorce better than I seem to have.

Mentally (and emotionally) I’m in a significantly better place than I think I’ve ever been in my life, but I’m finding that I still need work.

There’s this one huge flaw my ex had that really did a number on me and how I interact with men I want to date. (Men friends never get to experience this, just those I want to date)

My ex was very withholding. I’m not talking just some things… but with pretty much everything. Emotionally. Socially. It didn’t matter.  If something was wrong, he’d be silent until I either needled it out of him, or guessed the problem myself.

Communicating with him was a lot of work on my part, and something I’ll never ever do again. If talking to you and you sharing with me.. isn’t easy and open.. I’m just going to walk. I just don’t have the patience in me anymore.

I hadn’t really noticed just how profoundly this had affected me until this weekend texting Mac.  There were a few instances where he’d get quiet and not reply. I began to panic and analyze.

I knew it was crazy, but I couldn’t stop my mental programming from going.

Why is he not replying? Did I say something offensive? Am I boring? Is he really just not that interested? Thats it.. he just doesn’t like me… or worse.. I’d jump to.. He hates me now probably.

I’d do my best to cover it up or word something in a way that it wasn’t screaming “Hi, I’m Maruska and I need a straight jacket.”

But he’s smart. He caught on.. and even called me on it. He didn’t seem too upset by it, and joked around.. but we all know that “insecure crazy girl” is a red light.

Sadly, I see this only being the tip of the iceberg. I can totally see myself devolving into “Where are you now?” texts and other stalker desperation.  Wanting to know where he is all the time, who he’s with..

Crazy.

I know its crazy. I hear the thoughts go through my head and I know its crazy.  So I try to ignore it.  I remind myself of who Mac is, and that so far things have been easy with him, and I’ve not completely scared him off yet.

I’m still dating around, and not taking things too seriously.. but I know crazy when I feel it.

Scared and Crazy.

I think I need a Mac-Timeout. Put my head back on straight.  Sadly.. he’s not the only man with the capability right now to push my crazy button, he’s just the one with the most immediate promise.

The thing is that I … well I think I’ve come to the conclusion that my ability to trust a man in a relationship is broken, and I’m afraid the only way to fix it will be with the patience of a good man.  I’m not entirely sure any good man on the planet is that patient.

So how do I fix it?

Wasting My Time

I’m aggravated in a way that only silly people, usually women, can aggravate me.  Looking back at things, I realize that the crux of the problem is simply that I thought we were better girlfriends than we were.

We’d spent hours chatting online. Commiserating. Talking, and occasionally joking around with the same people. We’d responded to each other on a relatively regular basis and told each other “secrets” in DM. One such conversation was actually a “no-compete” conversation where she asked me not to flirt with certain gentlemen, and I in return told her someone I wanted to be “hands off”.

In most girlfriend circles, online or off.. that means a real friendship. Or at least it should.

It all started with me retweeting a philosophy which I’ve pretty much always embraced.

if you don’t *want* to be with me? fuck off and don’t waste my time. really.

Now when I retweeted this, the person I retweeted thought that ME retweeting it was hysterically funny. (insert headspin here)

So I asked her why it was funny, because my initial response to that was to kick her ass for insinuating with her laughter that I like to chase after men who don’t want me. I stifled it to wait for her reply.

While her answer, relieved the aforementioned insinuation/asskicking, it instead started up a whole new ball of wax.

She said that one of my “Followers” was “mind-fucking” with her, and she blocked him. By my retweeting it, he then could see what she’d said about him.. getting back at him.

Now as a good online girlfriend, she should tell me who this person is so I can avoid the same pitfalls.. Right?

She would not. She giggled around it. Told me that this person was someone I liked, thus would not tell me.

Now if this person is such a menace, my liking him would be all the more reason to share his identity.

Still she would not tell me, WTF?

So I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out who this person is. There is only one man on twitter that I’ve ever mentioned to her that I really liked. I’m relatively sure its not him, and if it is, then her misreading his intentions might be more her fault than his.

Now there are plenty of men on Twitter that I like, and probably more that people would assume that I like.  Some I’d love to date if we were local, but we’re not. They and I flirt now and then, but we’re just friends.  We might think about more if we were closer, maybe. So.. umm..

I have no idea who she means.  But what gets me more than anything is her refusal to share. It just not good online girlfriend etiquette.

So she then tells me not to worry that he’s just a “crush” she has. Someone who flirts but isn’t interested in her.

So now I’m kinda pissed that she’s blown this up to be such a big fucking deal when it’s not.

So being the good girlfriend, I try to bond with her by asking who this crush is.. I mean maybe since I know him I can give her tips on how to catch his interest or commiserate with her in his superficial flirting habits.

She replies, “Ha I’m not tellin 😉

Oh dear lord, had she been in physical proximity I’d have slapped that damn smile off her face. Of course if she’d have been in physical proximity she’d have seen on my face that taunting me with this crap was NOT going to make me friendly.

So I reply, “Whatever. I’m done

She catches my drift. “Don’t be mad. It doesn’t matter who I have a crush on. Never going anywhere.”

If its truly never going anywhere, there is absolutely no harm in sharing. Just dramatics and fucking with people.

Moral of the Story: Don’t fuck with me. One of the absolutely worst things you can do to me is convince me you know something I don’t, about someone I might care about.. then not tell me who or what it is.. then treat me like a child or that I’m not safe to tell.

A. If you really feel that way, and aren’t going to share.. Don’t fucking imply that you will, or bring it up. Its teasing, childish, and rude.

B. If you do, you’re liable to find yourself in hot water with me.

Eventually I’m sure I’ll get over this and be friendly with her again.. I just won’t trust her or anything she says. I won’t ever imagine that we’re friends again. She’s in the frienemy box and it’s not easy to get out of it.

Social Circles, Gossip, and Vanity

So last night I go to this social thing I’ve committed myself to going. Third night of social outing in a row, and I’m wanting to shoot myself so I can get out of going.

So I drag myself. I’m late because I put up so much resistance that I completely lost track of time.

I’m supposed to be there at 6:30.. the party went until 8pm. I show up at 8:15. I know I’m bad.

The party is still going, but I see absolutely no one I know.  Then I see Mr Smoking Hottie.  He’s married, but he’s great eye candy.

He introduces me to his friend, Ms Hottottie. She’s awesome and we hit it off. Next I’m meeting another woman Ms Short&Sassy… and we’re all having a good time.

Then I get the gossip.  I would never in a million years deduced what was actually going on under the scenes.

Turns out.. Mr Sexy TechGuru isn’t happy in his marriage. I’d picked up hints that this was the case, but nothing out of the ordinary “My wife is irritating me today”.

New friend, Ms Short&Sassy is totally all about him and wanting to show him some happy. (seriously)

My other new friend, Ms. Hottottie was talking all night about this married guy that she is craving.  She told me all about him and his wife. No one has ever met his wife. His life, kids etc.  Supposedly he toggles between married and separated? Maybe an open relationship? He kissed her at the party… well in private anyway.

I assumed this was someone outside the circle or someone I didn’t know. Oh no.. this is a guy I know.  A guy that I thought was just friendly.. now maybe not so much friends?  All I know is that he’s hot enough to make me consider otherwise.

So.. anyway thats not all.

This engaged couple.. are all about to break up.  Another couple are about to start dating…  it went on and on.

Now I’m not sure what I’ve walked into.  I am totally going to have to hang with Ms. Hottottie more often though.  She’s a ton of fun.  I may need to get some dating tips from her.

So after this party, I’m a little wired and I’d promised to go to a charity function. It was free and just a couple blocks away.  I knew from the few of my friends that were going.. the people there would be rich and/or hot.

I was not prepared for it.

It was wall to wall smoking hot people. Hot men. Hot women. Those that weren’t hot were dressed in head to toe MOH-NEY.  I felt like I’d stepped into a whole different universe, and while I was dressed appropriately… I felt like I should instead be in a revealing cocktail dress, decked out in diamonds and fur, and several sizes smaller.

I attempted to schmooze.  A couple people were nice and social and not annoying, but most were completely brainless and completely superficial. I said Hi to the few friends who showed up, and then when I could no longer stand the vapidness and boredom I left.

Had I gone on a night when I was feeling more social I’m sure things would have turned out better, but as it was.. I was OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE.. and checked myself for hives as I ran out the door.

I will not be going to one of those again without a huge party of girlfriends or a millionaire on my arm.

Cast Party

I’m being lazy.  Of course, Trueheart messages me and reminds me that I’m being lazy. So here I am writing. 🙂

This weekend was fabo, yet extremely tiring. Thus me being lazy today.  (See how good I am at making excuses to be a couch potato?)

Saturday night was our “Cast Party” for the play, since Sunday was our last performance and no one (who wants to keep their job) wants to party on a Sunday night before Monday morning work.

The party started off rather iffy.  I wasn’t sure who all was going to stay or how long, and even after 3 weeks of nearly hanging out every day, I didn’t know most of the cast very well.  So to say I was mildly uncomfortable would be a slight understatement.

I eased my discomfort by bringing (it was BYOB) lots to drink and share.  So at least if I had nothing to say to someone, I could at least say “Hey, would you like some wine?” or something.

As the party got underway, my Crush arrived with an attractive male friend of his that I’d met earlier right after the show. I’d also met my Crush’s girlfriend as well, and sadly she’s very nice, sweet, and pretty.  Pretty in a “we could be best friends” way not in an arrogant “you’re so pretty I want to set you on fire” way.  Seriously couldn’t hate her if I tried, and they’re really an adorable couple.  But she had other plans, and he ditched her to attend the party.. thus.. he was alone.

I wasn’t sure what to make of his friend though.  B-hawk  seemed intelligent, sweet, and fun.. He was my height, thin but works out, roughly 28 or so, with his hair cut into a mohawk… but I seemed to get this “shy” vibe from him which I wasn’t sure if he was really shy or just not wanting to seem “interested” in me.  So at the start of the party, I talked mostly to my Crush.

My Crush is adorable when he’s been drinking.  Hilarious really.  He’s really an entertainer and loves the spotlight but in an “I’ll share the spotlight” kind of adorable way.  I got him to dance for me.  He started dancing cheesy broadway style, and attempted to get his friend B-Hawk to join him.  B-Hawk was seriously embarrassed, and so of course I took all advantage of it and insisted that he join my Crush in dancing.  Soon my Crush had napped another cast member and the two of them began dancing together as if in chorus line.  I, sitting across the room as their only audience, clapped happily and overly encouraging.  B-Hawk looked like he was tempted to join in, but way too embarrassed to make up his mind fully. It was adorable.

They went off to mingle, and so did I. It was a pretty good party and I got to know most of the cast a whole lot better. Sad that it had to happen so late.

Towards the middle of the evening began the highlight.  I was sitting with a group of the cast & others way in the back of the backyard, and furthest point from the kitchen, when B-Hawk came out of the house to look and see what was going on outside.  I waved, caught his attention, and then motioned him over with a simple hand gesture.

Initially I’d motioned him over to join the “party” I was with, but as he got closer I realized that my glass was empty and needed more ice for my vodka.  The ice was all the way in the kitchen.  So being a little more drunk-brave than I am sober, I decided to test out B-Hawk.

When B-Hawk finally arrived at our group, he made effort to come stand right next to me.  I’m not sure if he liked me, or if he just didn’t know anyone else at all, but it was encouraging.  So I whispered to him.

“Would you do me a favor?” I asked drippingly sweet.

He replied cautiously, “That depends, maybe?”

“Would you go fill my cup with some ice from the kitchen? please?” I smiled my best smile.

He hesitated only a moment, then smiled, and went straight to the house.  He didn’t ask if anyone else wanted anything, or stop to converse on the way.  He merely went straight to get my ice, and so quickly returned that I’d barely gotten back into my conversation. (It was hawt, trust me)

I got up to grab my vodka a few feet away, and he went to go talk to my Crush who was just a few feet further.  After refilling, I joined them talking.

I really don’t remember much else that happened the next couple hours.  I got distracted and dragged some place. He got dragged other places. Finally at about 2am, the party had died and there were just a few of us left.  I decided it was probably time to go if I wanted any chance of giving a decent performance on Sunday.

I walked around saying by “Good Byes”.  I left my Crush and B-Hawk for last.  I was saying goodnight to my Crush, and got a one arm hug. Then I had to walk by B-Hawk to leave.  We could have easily just waved bye.  We’d not talked a whole lot one on one, so I honestly didn’t expect to even really say “Bye”.  He’d overheard me saying “Bye” to my Crush, his friend, so as I walked by him I told him it was nice meeting him, and that I was leaving, blah blah blah.

“Can I get a hug?” He interjected, and opened his arms wide in insistence. It was adorable.  So we hugged. Tight and slightly extended… and not a drunken hug either.

It was one of those moments where you’re pretty sure the person is into you. It boggled me really.  I’m so not used to attractive, skinny, in shape, (hot) men being into me and I honestly don’t know how to handle it half the time.

It was a great night, and since has fueled many dreams.  I can’t wait to run into him again, and see what happens.

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